Introduction

The reason for this book is to help those who struggle in some of the same areas I have.  As a young woman I needed guidance from those who were my seniors but it seemed there was no one to be found.  The older women are supposed to teach the younger, it is apparent that many are not doing so.  I am stepping up to the plate as an older woman to teach the younger by writing this book. 

With these principles practiced along with the standard of measurement on how to choose a mate I believe the divorce rate in the body of Christ will begin to decrease.

My heart is to help younger women but in the process men can use these principles and standard of measurement as well.  My book may be somewhat geared toward women but can be a help to my brothers in the faith as well.

The revelation I received from God for this book has given me the strength to maintain celibacy as a single woman and a life consecrated to Him.

When I became single after 30 years of marriage I set out to search the scriptures to see if pre-marital sex was in fact a sin.  In my search for answers I found some very liberating truths.  While searching I asked God for His word for my life concerning this very steamy topic.  I was starting to date a man whom I really liked at the time.  God's word to me was that if I practiced sex outside of marriage I would not be practicing restraint.  He gave me a firm word: “I want you celibate until you are married."  I said, “Yes Sir, I am all yours.”  That word was the strength I needed to maintain my celibacy.  How did my guy friend like it?  I don’t hear from him anymore. 

I encourage you to open your heart while reading this book and hear what the Spirit is saying to you.  If you are going through a separation or divorce this book will bring healing to you.

Be Blessed as you partake of the revelation God is giving you from His word.

Chapter One

Sixteen and Dating

They say 16’s the age for dating.  So at the ripe old age of sixteen Mamma let me date.  Little did she know I had snuck out a couple of times when I was fifteen.   I stayed the night with a girlfriend, whose mom was not as strict as mine and went out with my boyfriend.  I found out quick it was not all it was made out to be.  The guy I was dating had no sense of real communication…you know like wanting to get to know me, the real me; he just wanted to kiss and feel all over me and everything else.  I was a virgin and planned to stay that way until married, so I had my perimeters.  Anyway at the age of 15 I was exhausted with dating.  I only had two dates and was already discouraged.  I wanted to date a guy who wanted to talk; you know have an intelligent conversation the kind you have to get to know each other.  So in my desperation for a decent guy to date I prayed and asked God to bring me a young man I could date who wouldn’t want to get me in the back seat of his car or at least a guy who wasn’t just about that. 

Soon after that an older couple that we have known for a long time came to visit.  They had four children who had been our childhood friends, Debbie, Danny, Jimmy and Mike.  Debbie was a little older than me but we stayed at each other’s houses when we were little.  I always suspected her brother Danny had a crush on me.  One time when I was at their house, their parents were gone and it was bath time.  Danny was teasing me about running out in the living room in his underwear, of course I dared him to and he did.  I remember his white briefs on that little skinny body as he dashed from the bathroom to the living room and then back to the bathroom with a big smile on his face.  He looked like a starving orphan.  He was always very skinny but seemed to eat more than anyone else.  At all of the church picnics he had several plates full.  We all wondered where he was putting all of that food. 

It had been years since we'd seen this family.  My mother and father divorced when I was 12 and we moved away to other places.  In my early teens we moved back to that area.  It was here that this couple came to visit.  I knew that Danny had joined the Navy and was soon to graduate from boot camp.  He had sent his parents on the mission of asking me if I would like to attend his graduation.  For a split second I was flattered then I had a flash back of how homely this guy was and how my dad used to bring me to tears teasing me about him.  I said, “No I don’t think so, I have a boyfriend.”  I kind of lied but there was one guy I liked so it didn’t seem like a lie.  When they left I had a feeling Danny would come to see me when he came home.  Sure enough one relaxing Saturday afternoon he came to visit.  I saw him walk through the kitchen door – he was still challenged in the good looks department.  His looks scared me so bad I ran into Mamma’s room and hid.  I knew he would like me and I didn’t want him to.  I also felt in my spirit that this was the guy that God had sent me.  But I didn’t want him to be.  In Mamma’s room I said to God, “I forgot to ask you to make sure he was good looking.”  Soon Mamma came in and scolded me and told me to come out and be nice.  I had no choice; I came out and sat outside with my family as Danny and my older brother went for a ride in his little red convertible.  Mamma said, “If you would have played your cards right you could of went with them.”  I said, “Mom I’m not playing this game, there are no cards in my hand here!”  She chuckled.  I just wanted him to go home.  Soon he and my brother returned all smiles.  His front teeth were so big that when he smiled you could see him for miles before he actually arrived.  At least that is the way he looked to this sixteen-year-old girl who didn’t want him to fall in love with her.  I had some things to do upstairs so I went up to do them, after all I paid my respects to this Navy boy and my job was now done.  A few minutes later I heard my mother say, “You will have to ask her.”  I then heard Mom calling me down stairs.  I didn’t know exactly what was going on but it couldn’t be good.  It was just as I feared (I felt like Job) he invited me to his sister’s house for a coming home party they were having for him.  She lives in Grand Rapids where they all go to church, which is one hour from where I live and go to church.  He asked me if I would come to church with him and then his sister’s house for the party.  Yes!!! I had an out… I told him that I liked to be in my own church on Sundays, (Mamma trained me well).  He was determined.  He then said, “Okay you go to your church, I will go to mine.  I will pick you up after church and bring you to my sisters.”  My curfew was 10:30 so I knew that wouldn’t work so I explained that to him.  My mother, listening intently, spoke up and said, “That’s okay Honey you can stay out till midnight because that is a lot of driving.”  I could have killed her and never repented.  I couldn’t believe she was doing this to me.  So off I go on my first official date.  He picked me up after church and we headed for his sister’s.  Much to my surprise we had conversation.  He did a lot of the talking mostly about his last girlfriend.  I didn’t mind because I really didn’t like him.  At least he was keeping his hands to himself and he was talking.  We dated several times after that; it was always to some church function.  On the third date he did finally kiss me goodbye at the car, which was just a few steps from the front door.  He was starting to grow on me.  By the fifth date he asked me to marry him in a round about way.  He kept talking about our future together but hadn’t proposed.  During one of these conversations I mentioned to him that he hadn’t even asked me to marry him.  We both laughed and he then asked.  

I lost track of the reason I had asked God for a guy in my life.  I didn’t pray for a husband but for a guy that would like me enough to want to talk with me and to hang out with.  Just hanging out was my idea of a date.  I thought I was supposed to be dating because I was sixteen.  That is why I prayed for a decent guy.  However things got out of hand in the emotions department and two months later we were married.  I soon forgot why Danny was in my life.  I knew God had answered my prayer however I didn’t realize that God didn’t send him to me to marry but just to be a friend like I had prayed for.

In those days many young women, including me, were raised being taught that they should have a guy in their life.  I was raised to be mate focused.  Had I not been I would have never prayed for a decent guy in my life, I would have been praying for God to help me take my finals and then on to graduating from high school. 

Unfortunately many young girls from that era were raised the same way and married very young because it was the acceptable thing to do.

Chapter Two

Surviving Life as a Navy Wife

Danny stayed in the Navy for 13 years after we married.  I had no idea what I was getting in to.  I didn’t have a clue how to be a wife let alone a Navy wife.  I spent the first few months with Mother while he was in Great Lakes finishing up his training before being assigned to a ship.  After his training he came home on leave to prepare to go to his next duty station in Norfolk Virginia.  I was determined to go with him.  For a sixteen year old my faith was strong.  I knew it was God’s will for us to be together.  We had very little money to drive and the dependability of Danny’s car was certainly questionable.  But I knew God would provide.  Our family had a going-away party for us where we received some cash gifts.  We were first to go to Philadelphia Pennsylvania and then on to Virginia.  We received $56.00 for our trip.  We set out on our trip from Michigan feeling a little afraid of the unknown but so glad we were together.  We didn’t dare spend money on a motel so we took catnaps in the car from time to time at rest stops.  The car we were in was that little red convertible he had when he first came to see me.  Before we left it had gotten hit on the driver’s side and broke the window.  So a family friend and Danny made a window in a wooden frame and put it in place.  Needless to say neither the door nor the window could be used.  It looked quite comical.  We went as far as Beaver Falls, PA. when the clutch finally took out.  It had been giving us trouble from the time we left but we just kept moving and believing God.  Finally it couldn’t go anymore and we had to be towed to the nearest garage.  Remember the $56.00?  By this time we had $26.00 left.  I had a feeling that a new clutch was going to cost more than that, plus we still had to get to Philly.  Danny had no idea of what to do so I took charge and told him that we will let them fix it but we won’t tell them we don’t have any money until they have it done.  In my little sixteen-year-old mind, who had never been out of the state of Michigan, I figured they would have to just trust us for the money because they wouldn’t want to take their parts back off, right?  Seemed logical to me.  We prayed and believed God to work it out.  We had no one but God.  Soon the car was finished and I dropped the bombshell on them.  They weren’t happy but they thought we were cute because we were so young and being newlyweds they wanted to help.  I couldn’t figure out why they couldn’t just trust us for the money.  Anyway, the owner of the garage instructed his son to drive us to the Red Cross because he knew they helped servicemen.  We didn’t know that. The Red Cross thought we were cute too and wrote a check out to the garage and didn’t require us to pay them back.  We still had our $26.00 and off we went in our hoopdee, little bit of money and a lot of faith.  

The Road Gets Bumpier

Two and a half years later I finally became pregnant.  I remember the night I conceived.  I was so thrilled.  I had been praying for a baby and I was finally pregnant.  Nine months after my first baby was born I conceived my second and last baby.  I had two girls.  They became my little buddies because their daddy was gone much of the time.

The life of a Navy wife is not a life I would wish on any woman.  It was a rough life.  I was young and beautiful and vibrant and ready to love and be loved but yet the one it was okay to do that with was gone.  I was married but alone.  My faith was not up to the challenge of being a faithful Navy wife.  The loneliness seemed unbearable so I reached for fulfillment away from God instead of in Him.  The fulfillment never came so my search was always in full bloom.  I was a loyal Navy wife but unfortunately I was not a faithful one.  While he was away I struggled with my Christianity living a life of condemnation but still longing for love and to be loved.  When the letters from Danny came I was numb to them.  I couldn’t feel any love for him because I was so bound in condemnation.  Again I was loyal… I was on the pier every time he left and came in but I was not faithful while he was away.  After a few of his 6-month cruses I found out he was loyal too but not so faithful.  He was struggling as well.  We said we forgave each other and moved on.  But it seemed there was always the next time. 

Finally I began to grow in my faith; I got into the word of God and grew fast.  Danny did 2 more 6-month cruses before he was finally discharged and during these I was faithful.  I was loyal and faithful.  What an accomplishment, I gained such strength from those two victories.  I could have been faithful before if I would have had the support I needed to go through something like that.  I needed help but there was no one there to help me.  I was so young… under developed emotionally, intellectually and spiritually.  I was neither ready nor prepared to live the life of an adult.

Thank God for His Angels

When we finally made it to Philly we drove on the base to register our car for a base sticker.  I was so excited to finally be there.  We were finally going to be able to sleep in a real bed.  It didn’t take us long to find out that we could not get a sticker because Danny did not have a legal registration for this car.  Apparently when he bought it he just put some plates on it he found in the garage.  So the guard let us on with the car because we had all of our belongings in it but we were not allowed to drive it on the base.  Even though we couldn’t drive it on the base it was a relief that we could as least get it on.  We drove to the Navy Lodge and checked in. 

We had $6.00 left and no food but my faith was up and running.  We spent the $6.00 on bread, peanut butter and jelly.  It soon ran out and still no money but I believed God.  Just before our food ran out there was a knock at our door.  It was a young couple that was staying just down the hall.  They had bread, lunch meat, cheese and mustard in their hands.  They ask me if we could use it.  They were leaving to fly overseas and didn’t want to throw it away.  Of course I said yes we could use it and I thanked them.  God did it again!  He was amazing me.  Before that food could run out Danny was able to get some of his back pay and we were up and running again financially.

We stayed there a month and then it was time to leave for Virginia.  We had money to get there but not a whole lot to spare after getting there, until payday.  This time fear gripped my heart.  I didn’t know what to do.  Danny had reported to the ship, he would be leaving on his first 6-month cruse in a couple of weeks.  Where would I go, what would I do?  I didn’t have a dime.  I started looking for apartments and found one just down the street across from the base.  I called about it and found out that we had to have money to get into an apartment.  I had no idea!  I thought you moved in and paid when the rent was due.  I never heard of two months rent and a cleaning deposit.  I practically begged him to rent it to me, I promised him I would pay as soon as we got our next check.  Even so Danny’s check was not enough to cover what it would take to move in.  What was I going to do?  This seemed too big for even God.  While in the lobby of the Navy Lodge, I found myself sharing my story with one of the workers.  She advised me that Navy Relief Services would be able to help me.  Later that day while Danny was off work we went there and told them our situation.  I was asking for a loan to get into an apartment.  Again, they thought we were cute… they smiled and quickly informed me that with Danny leaving soon they would buy me a ticket to go home.  They advised me it would be better for me to be at home while he was out to sea.  They were angels.  I shutter at the thought of me being in a strange place at such a vulnerable age all by myself.  In my mind I was a big girl now, I was just trying to live like one.  I had no idea how unprepared I was for life away from Mamma.  I caught the next bus home.

I arrived home safe and sound with my little travel companion Timmy.  He was my little housedog that traveled with us.  He brought me much comfort and became very accustomed to being hidden.  On the bus I carried him in my big black purse.  I would tell him when it was okay to poke his head out.  It was as though he knew what was going on, he never barked.  He was a lot like me… I trusted people, I didn’t know what a stranger was.  I just thought everyone was my friend.  I was 16 years old traveling on a bus by myself with my little dog, both of us thought everyone was our friend.  I was vulnerable to the evil one, but God sent me another angel.  He was a man in his late 20’s.  He was of short stature with dark curly hair.  He was so nice to me.  He helped me to keep Timmy hidden and stayed by my side as I talked his ear off all the way home.  In Kalamazoo Michigan I got off of the bus with family there to meet me.  Timmy and I looked back and waved good-bye to the handsome stranger as the bus pulled away.  I don’t remember his name but his presence next to me on that trip, I am sure, protected me from harm.

I was a wild child.  I was married living back at home in between being a kid and an adult.  It was hard for me to know where I fit.  Those 6 months was one of the hardest times of my life.  I slowly strayed away from my relationship with God and did my own thing.  My life as an adult was not starting out too well. 

We soon were stationed in San Diego California where we lived on and off for 13 years.  The struggles became harder and harder as I walked further and further from God.

Chapter Three

Thirty Years Later

Over the years I made my way back to God and embraced my anointing.  God slowly began to unfold His plan for my life.  I was called to preach, teach and train in the office of Pastor, with the gift of song to lead worship.  But where did Danny fit in?  I wasn’t sure and neither was he?  The last year of our marriage we pastored together.  I could see he was not rising to the occasion like I thought he would.  Soon it became too much for him and he left.  I had no idea he was struggling so.  He agreed with me, or so I thought, that it was time to start the church so we went ahead as led by the Spirit.

After he left I stood in my dinning room, which is the central room in the house, and wondered which room I came from and which one I needed to go into. I was so overwhelmed with grief that I couldn’t think of what room I needed to go into. Dealing with this seemed more than I could handle. I didn’t have the mental capacity to figure out something so simple. I remember just falling to the floor weeping uncontrollably because this little thing was so overwhelming. I now can relate to someone having a nervous breakdown. I didn’t have a nervous breakdown but I believe what I was feeling was the beginning of one.

I walked through the store with my niece Ashley looking for a new computer and office supplies.  I would be moving into his office, which I always wanted anyway.  I kept thinking I would wake up any minute.  Walking down the isle of the store, I was thinking that this was the worst dream I had ever had it seemed so real. I was praying for God to help me wake up.  My mind couldn’t figure out how he could walk away from 30 years, all that we had been through together?  How could he desire someone else after all these years?  I thought we had a strong bond one that could never be broken.  This has to be a dream; he would never do this to me in real life.  I never did wake up – I was awake – it was really happening.

I placed myself under a powerful man of God who went through the same thing 4 years prior.  He was able to minister to me and explain some of the mixed up feelings I was having. He understood the dazed stage and was able to minister to me while I was going through that.

The Five Stages of My Healing 

The Lord taught me about the following five stages;  The first being the loss of my husband, the second the loss of my best friend, the third the loss of being the only one he desired, the fourth the loss of the sense of belonging to that special someone, the fifth being the detoxifying stage. 

Ultimately the enemy was after my ministry and I knew that. Once he broke through my marriage covenant that made my ministry vulnerable, but he did not anticipate the leadership I would place myself under for protection.  My Pastor was also my spiritual covering. I began immediately to plant seed into his ministry. It wasn’t long after, I sensed the presence of the Spirit of Victory on me. It rose up in me and I began to confess the word over myself even on days when the pain was so severe that I just wanted to stay in bed. I made a deal with myself. I said, "Okay you can lay in bed if you want to but you are going to do your confessions."  After a few minutes of confessions I was restless in bed and found myself up and about finishing my confessions throughout the day and saying out loud, “What a great day to be alive.” And I meant it.  During that time I realized how powerful the Word of God is. I had enough of it in me that when the enemy came in, the Holy Spirit, LIKE A FLOOD raised up a standard against him. That standard was the word in me. The harder satan pressed the greater the flood against him became. It was like a mighty tsunami of the Word of God that broke down all bearers designed to keep me from my victory. Hallelujah!!!!!

In tears I asked Danny why he was leaving and why he didn’t want to get counseling and work it out…he said, “I just want a normal life with a normal wife.” I chuckle as I write this because I am as far away from normal as one can get. I walk by faith everyday and do not believe everything I see. Normal people don’t do big stuff without money. I mean when God gives me an assignment I say yes, knowing I do not have the money to do it, I then ask Him to show me how and He does and it ends up costing Him money instead of me. To me this is the norm. Because of this my husband told me I was high maintenance. I was very puzzled at that. To me he was high maintenance. I asked God about that and He said, “You are high maintenance to the natural man but a blessing to the spiritual man.” Isn’t that good? I love to hear God’s perspective on things.

Still somewhat dazed I didn’t have the passion for ministry that I once had.  I felt as though the wind had been knocked out of me and I couldn’t catch my breath.  We had started the church together and now here I am left to pick up the broken pieces from the hearts of those in my congregation as well as my own.  We all felt knocked out, down for the count, where do we go from here?  I stayed positive before the people but I was so broken it was all I could do to continue to minister to these families.  Finally I realized that I needed time to heal.  The church was a year and a half old, not grown to the point of being able to turn it over to my associates while I took time to heal.  I felt like I needed to send the families to churches that could minister to them better than I could.  So I did.  Nine months after he left I closed the church doors and moved from the house we owned together into my own house all in the same weekend.  Still broken I kept moving forward.  There were good days and bad days.  I communicated this to my pastor and his councel to me was that I could survive the moment, which was what it felt like most days, or I could sow into my destiny. 

While the first year of this pain and heartache was the hardest one of my life, I fought like hell for my life. What I mean by that is I fought as hard for my life as hell was fighting to get it.  I won!!!  I came through… I passed the test. I did close my church, however I continued to pastor nine months after he left but like I said I couldn’t get my passion back to pastor this group of people.  In that nine months I was in a continual daze. I kept thinking any minute I was going to wake up.

I did "The Day of Worship” at the fair grounds, as scheduled, which is a real big deal, I even ministered. I remember ministering; I could feel the fire of God working through me just like He always does but I felt nothing for myself. I didn’t enjoy it. It was like He just used my body working from my spirit where He dwells but I was not connected. I believe the pain was so severe that I was numb to His touch. I didn’t even want to do it. I asked God if He could even use me in the shape I was in. He told me if I was willing He was, and of course I was willing.

The level of growth where I am at now is greater than anything I have ever experienced. The opposition is greater but so is the anointing. I call this level the “Totally Abandoned Level” this is where you see that you really haven’t denied yourself and taken up your cross (assignment from God) as much as you think you have.  This is where you learn just what that means. Where you learn, "I am crucified with Christ it is no longer I that lives but Christ that lives in me" and how to really present your body (whole being) as a living sacrifice, total abandonment of one’s self. It’s a challenge but one of the most awesome places to be. I feel no connection with this world and its things. I can now relate to Apostle Paul when he said he was stripped naked to the world and the world was stripped naked to him. This is liberty. I have spent the last 5 years living a life of major discipline. Mainly my 5:00 A.M. prayer, and then the fasting and the workouts to get in shape to be able to handle the anointing that I knew God would flow through me. I pushed for greater things and now here I am getting ready to walk into them. This discipline over the years has brought me to this place of great liberty. Discipline produces liberty, while no discipline produces bondage. Thank God for those years I pushed even when I didn’t see results, even so I still pushed because God said to. As I stand at the threshold of greater things I am overwhelmed by His presence in my life, as I am getting ready to step into the dreams of my life. There are no words to describe how good God is so I have set out to glorify Him with my life in Him. As my intimacy with Him becomes greater, excellence is birthed.

Now here I am an almost middle-aged woman who has never known life without a husband, alone without one.  I chose wrong at the age of 16 simply because I had no idea who I was or what I was called to do.  We can’t chose the right mate without first knowing who we are and what we have been called to do.

In the next three chapters I will be sharing the things God has taught me as a single woman who will marry again. 

I believe the divorce rate in the church will come down when God’s people learn how to choose their mates.  Divorce is not the problem as much as knowing how to choose the right mate is.

Chapter Five

Online Dating

The two big questions I hear the most, concerning online dating, are, “Is on line dating appropriate for Christians?” and “Should ministers have profiles on single’s sites?”

1.  Regarding the first question, I think the question      should be “Is dating appropriate for Christians?” 

a. If dating is appropriate then why wouldn’t online dating be appropriate?  Just like anything if it is used right it can be successful.

b. Some have a standard of chatting a while on the computer before they graduate to the phone.  They talk on the phone a while before they meet for a date. 

c. Well, in the real world of dating it’s not like that - it is not as careful.  You're asked out by a co-worker or someone in the church etc., and you go out with very little, to no, phone time.  You get to know each other by dating physically. 

d. I think online dating is a bit safer – you can learn a lot about someone by talking to them on the phone.  You should be able to tell by conversations, on the phone, where they 're at spiritually, intellectually and emotionally.  This will give you an idea if this person is someone you could have a meaningful relationship with or maybe someone in whom you can be friends with or not hang out with at all. 

One of the big mistakes people make with online dating is that they never really see each other in real life situations on a daily basis. 

1.  They visit back and forth but it’s always in the spirit of being a guest.  They don’t see how each handles problems nor do they get the opportunity to

observe each other’s decision making or how they handle pressure, on a daily basis. 

2.  In the visiting process the man may never see if she brings out the best or worst in him and vise versa because they are always on their best behavior.  This could be one of the reasons the divorce rate in the church is so high,  because people relocate to marry instead of relocate to date.

Many turn to singles sites after spousal rejection, betrayal or a divorce.  Women do this looking for a connection.  In the book of Genesis we see that man was created before the woman.  He knew the earth without the woman but the woman has never known the earth without the man.   A woman feels very much out of sorts when she doesn’t feel that sense of belonging to a man.  This does not mean she cannot function in life without a man because she can, but it is always with the sense of something being missing in her life – she can be very distracted by her singleness.  This can make her vulnerable to accepting the wrong man in her life just because he gives her the feeling of the sense of belonging. 

Dating conventional or online, one of the first things to check out is their spirituality, find out about their church background and if they really have a relationship with God.   Conversation is the beginning stages of finding out one’s depth spiritually but what about seeing them walk out what they are saying? Words are words but in the scheme of long distance dating I don’t believe you have the opportunity to see their walk close up.

Then observe them intellectually to see if they are at the same level as you and also be sensitive to their emotional well being.  Many on these sites are not emotionally well enough for a relationship. 

And then of course as divorced singles there is always the conversation about sex.  Not a sexual conversation but one about sex between two adults.  Divorced singles are always curious if this is going to be an area of struggle between the two.  One may have a much stronger sex drive and the other may not have one at all.  I believe this is a good healthy way to see if perhaps someone could be a potential mate.

The main thing to remember is not to allow your emotions to govern the relationship.  Emotions are a wonderful thing but they can be deadly if allowed to govern.  One of the ways you can tell if your emotions are out of control is when you have to run to the computer several times a day to see if he/she has emailed you.  Or you wait all day for his/her call.  Or you call and they are not available.  One of the things I have witnessed first hand is a young woman who I know stopped going to family functions or at least limited herself in attending anything outside of her computer room because she didn’t want to miss him coming online.  If not hearing from him/her affects your mood for the day, then that is a pretty good sign that your emotions are governing the relationship.  Your spirit man should always be doing the governing. 

I admire my 20 year old niece who is attending Oral Roberts University.  She has been home for the summer.  I was privileged to mentor her for one year before she started at O.R.U.  I teach all those who I mentor high moral standards.  She has met a wonderful young man at school who is anointed and full of the Holy Ghost.  She doesn’t allow him to kiss her on the lips or see her in a swim suit etc.  She is reserving herself for her husband.  He may be her husband, if so he will be blessed by her within the confines of marriage.  (You may wish to read some of her articles www.solidfrontworshipcenter.org click on  Bible Study Center, then click on the "Relationship" and then “For Singles” link).  It is obvious to me that her spirit man is in control.  Her young man has come to visit for the last week of their summer vacation and will travel back with her.  I have observed her around him.  While it is obvious she is crazy about him she doesn’t hang all over him or have to be at his side every minute…. All summer she has missed him and been on the phone with him much of the time she has been home, but she was still able to function and be happy.  This is because her spirit man is governing the relationship.  I credit her godly stand to the decision for God she has made…however she has never been married – she is a virgin. 

Comment by a Single Divorced Man.

I'd like to comment on the experience of the ORU attending niece. Although her determination and actions are commendable, wise, and perhaps even recommended........... These actions are certainly more easily followed by someone that has not been awakened sexually. The Christian that is divorced is a situation that is altogether different. With all due respect and admiration for her dedication in her dating situation I would think that the majority of even the most dedicated divorced Christians would think that the standard upheld by this single Christian young woman is impractical, undesirable, and unmanageable.......... unless the engagement is going to be very short.

This quote is so true, I could not have said it better myself - however the point that I was making concerning my niece is that she is spiritually and emotionally stable, not allowing her emotions to govern the relationship and sticking with her stand.  For the divorced single when we declare celibacy…. we need to stand in that declaration sowing to the Spirit we will reap from the Spirit.

Whether you date conventionally or online the principles are the same.  Be sure that you are ready to date either way.

Regarding the second question, again like the first the question it should be "Is it okay for a minister to date?"  If it is then it would be okay for them to date conventional as well as online.  A profile on a single's site is another avenue of ministry….however a minister needs to be ready to date as well as the rest.  Ministers and Christians fall into sexual sin with their dating partners online or otherwise.

One of the best places for a minister to have their profile is on a secular dating site.  We need to be lights in the darkness.  You see very little light on a secular single's site.  But again one would need to be emotionally ready to be that light otherwise they will get sucked into the darkness by its influence.  I have seen minister’s profiles on the Christian sites and the same ministers also have profiles on secular sites.  The problem with that is their profile is not the same.  It’s real spiritual on the Christian site but says very little about their faith on the secular site.  This makes me wonder about their sincerity.  It’s hypocritical – it’s like being one thing in church but another in the world.  I realize that many are fighting for their life and sanity in the process of adjusting to the single life, but Ministers and Christians need to be real especially in the world.

Bottom line:  Before we date we need to make sure we are ready no matter the form, and be a shinning light in this dark world.

Who Relocates?
Online dating raises the issue of distance and long distance relationships.  Obviously someone is going to have to relocate in order for the relationship to survive.  Who relocates is a major issue.  I have my own personal view but I would like to first share the views of two of my gentlemen friends.  The first says that whoever makes the initial contact should be the one willing to relocate.  If you are not willing to relocate then you should not contact anyone who is not local.  The second, what’s the argument about?  This is so easy.  If there is an issue about who relocates, then she/he is not the one.  Is it about finances or is it about love?  Is it about us getting ourselves together or is it about God putting us together.  If God does it (NO ISSUE), but if we do it ourselves, be prepared for anything.  God is not the author of confusion.  Whoever God has for you, He will make it work.

Though I understand where the first one is coming from, and I agree with him on a practical note, but also remembering that we are not dealing with just the practical but strong emotions as well.  We are emotional beings and long to be fulfilled emotionally.  We also need to remember that people have been dating and finding mates long before cyberspace existed.  Those that are not willing to relocate may do better outside of cyberspace unless they find someone in their local area. I tend to believe the one without the career, which is usually the woman…. or the one with less of a career should be the one to relocate - or the one who makes the least amount of money.  If you limit yourself to just contacting people inside your local area your choices are going to be limited.  If you decide to contact someone outside of your local area with no plan to relocate and you make a good strong connection, you will be at the mercy of that person to be willing to relocate.  For a woman to insist the man relocate when he is at the prime of his career making big bucks, when she makes very little compared to him she is being foolish.  It could be a test that she is putting him through.  “If he relocates that means he really loves me.” Again, this is foolish.  So, he relocates to prove his love for her…he is now working a lesser job not being able to provide in a way he is used to or maybe that job doesn’t work out and he is unemployed for a while…this is going to affect how he feels about her.  Resentment will begin to grow in him against her.  This will cause major trouble in the marriage just because he moved to prove his love.  Now he could care less and wants out. 

If I were to meet a man and make the commitment of marriage, who lived in another state, who is financially established, I would not hesitate to relocate as long as I know he is right for me according to the will of God for my life.  A man being financially established would be a blessing to me.  It would be part of the appeal. The second friend has also made a very good point.  While there are several practical stands, allowing the Holy Spirit to lead and being willing to obey Him is the key.

It appears that many misrepresent themselves in their profiles.  Women tend to post out-dated pictures, most likely due to weight gain or aging because they are insecure about their current look.  For sure the clock is ticking and we are all aging but we are not going to reach our desired result if we are not honest.  One man was more than willing to share a story of such happening to him.  He drove about seven hours to reach the home of the woman he had been in contact with.  They had spoken on the phone for a period of time before he made the trip.  When he arrived a family member greeted him and told him she was out at the club with her sister.  He thought that was odd because she knew he would be there at this agreed time.  He went to his car and waited for them to return.  About 4:00 in the morning she and her sister came home.  After they were in the house he made his way to the door and knocked.  Her sister answered, she was the woman whose picture he had been looking at all of this time.  Then the woman he had been talking to came to the door crying.  She was very overweight and unattractive to this man.  Was she just playing games or what?  Most likely she desired to make a connection but knew the way she looked; she wouldn’t be able to make the kind of connection she desired.  So she used her sister’s picture living in a fantasy world and when it came time for reality she ran and hid.  I have heard similar stories from several different men over the last year about how women misrepresent themselves online.  Are they scammers?  Maybe some are just playing games…but for the most part I tend to believe most are insecure women who are desperate for a connection.  Men also do their share of misrepresenting themselves.  I find that many will have “Looking for a Serious Relationship” on their profiles, when in fact they are not.  They are looking for a woman to have a good time with once in a while.  Some travel a lot and want to meet women in every area they are traveling to.  When contacted by a man, no matter what their profile says, I ask them what they are looking for on the site.  Just because it’s a Christian site doesn’t mean everyone is a Christian.  There are Christian men on these sites that do not live a life of sexual restraint.  These men will tell you how sexy you are, what a sexy voice you have, etc. Beware; they maybe slowly trying to stimulate you for phone sex.  If you are called by a contact after 10:00 at night this is usually what they have in mind.  If they ask you at the beginning of the contact if you have a cam that is a sign they want to masturbate with you online in front of the cams – this is known as cyber-sex.   So, is online dating a scam?  I don’t think it is a scam.  However, many on these single’s sites are people who are hurting.  Unfortunately hurting people attract hurting people.  People who are hurting hurt people.  Is it a scam? I don’t think so, just a bunch of hurting dysfunctional people looking for relief.

While there are scammers on these sites I don’t think online dating is a scam.  The steps of the righteous are ordered by God.  When practicing Christians are on these sites so is God there to guide. 

There are Internet People and Then There are Good People on the Internet:

My observation: Internet people are hurtful people.  They are opportunist looking for their own happiness with very little regard for the feelings of others.  If you don’t say the right thing or respond the right way they devalue you and stop communicating with you with no explanation.  They will seem caring and affectionate at first; misleading their contact and then all of a sudden they cut off contact.  This is called being cyber-dumped – if a person is already hurting this will add greatly to their pain. 

And then there are good people who are on the internet.  These are those who treat their contacts with respect and honor – they treat them like real people.  They value those they are in contact with.  This is a good person who happens to be on the Internet.

The bottom line is that many people on these sites, Christians and non Christians, are looking for mankind to fulfill them where only God can.  In my opinion there is nothing wrong with online dating as long as you are truly "SINGLE."  Single in the original Hebrew translates whole.  Dating is for “whole” people, those completely healed.  Fooling around with dating in any form when you are not yet healed just slows down your healing process.  Get healed, then make new friends and see where it goes. 

Dating just to date for something to do is not wisdom.  Celibacy is much harder to maintain if you are dating just for the fun of it.  We are all brothers and sisters in Christ and need to treat each other with respect and honor.

Chapter Six

God’s Best is Sex Inside the Confines of Marriage

Covenant Protects

The marriage covenant protects us from the attacks of Satan on our lives and ministries.  It is protection against condemnation, depression and the sense of something being missing.  The marriage covenant guards our emotions.  (For those who are single your covenant with God works as your protector). Sex outside of covenant does a number on our emotions.  We may not even realize it at first but eventually if we continue to practice sex outside of the confines of marriage we will begin to suffer from bouts of depression, not to mention the daily fight against condemnation, our faith then gets weaker and weaker.

Having sex without the foundation of the marriage covenant is like building a relationship on the sand.

When a woman gives herself to a man she can never get that part of herself back and of course it is the same with a man.  Every time you have sex with someone outside of marriage you are giving more and more of yourself to that person.  Or if you have sex with everyone you date you are giving yourself little by little to all of those, depleting yourself, leaving you with very little to offer the right person when he or she does come along.  Most likely he/she won’t even notice you because you have nothing for him/her.   Think about it, here you are longing for your Mr. or Mrs. Right but dating around and sleeping with those you date.  The Spirit is not going to draw your future spouse to you if you are not ready.  You must be whole because God is not going to allow your future spouse to connect with you if you are not where you should be.  This is for his/her sake.  The greatest gift you can give your next spouse is the gift of celibacy.  What a great gift for him/her to know that you saved yourself for him/her.  You kept yourself covered to be revealed only by him/her after marriage.  For him to know that no one else has seen what he is seeing or experiencing, since you became single, will make him/her feel valued by you, to know that you thought of him/her before you ever met him/her.  What an awesome thing for him/her.  This is love in its truest form.  You need to love your future spouse enough to save yourself for him/her.  If you can love him/her that much before ever meeting him/her, then just think how awesome of a marriage relationship you will have with your spouse.  Knowing that you were faithful to him/her before you ever meet will show that you have a heart to be faithful after you meet and marry.

Communicating the Heart of God:

The Almighty Penis

This section deals with oral sex within marriage.  It may be offensive to those who believe oral sex is a sin.  The Bible is silent on this issue, while many have their beliefs about it being wrong this section is not dealing with whether it is right or wrong.  It is my intention to deal with idolatry.

Within the confines of marriage……

…..when a woman performs oral sex one of the positions she does this from is on her knees.  When she kneels down before him she is expressing worth-ship.  One of the Ten Commandments is to have no other gods before Me (God).  It doesn’t say to have no other gods.  Our spouses are, in fact, gods in our life as well as our children and grandchildren and other family members.  We praise our children on many occasions for a job well done.  We express their worth to us by worth-ship or worship. The Greek word for worship is worthshipe translated worth-ship meaning to express someone’s worth.  We lift them up which is expressing how much they are worth to us.  When a woman kneels down to perform oral sex on her husband she is expressing worth-ship or worship to him.  Even within the confines of marriage the penis can become and idol to her.  If her husband leaves for a short time on a business trip etc. she may find herself desiring a man at work, church or in the neighborhood.  One man was telling me about his ex wife and why he divorced her.  His words: She couldn’t live without the penis.  He did not use the word penis but for the sake of my sensitive readers I chose to use the proper name.  There is nothing wrong with expressing worth-ship to our husbands in whatever form of sex we chose, but when we come to a place where we can’t live without it, it is then we know it has become a god that we have placed before Father God.  If our husband for some reason is no longer able to perform due to health issues resulting in erectile dysfunction and we find our self desiring other men, for the sake of sexual fulfillment, this could be a sign the penis has become a god before God in our life.  I know a woman who has not had sex with her husband for 7 years because of his health issues causing erectile dysfunction.  She misses the intimacy between them but loves him so much that she would rather have him without sexual pleasure than another man who can perform well.  Obviously the penis or sex is not God in her life.  Women, if you can’t function in life without sex then most likely it has become a god before God.  Whatever you can’t live without is a god before God.  Obviously we can't live without food but that doesn't make it a god to us.  Food is necessary for living.  Sex is not, it may feel like it is sometimes but the truth is we can live and function physically without sex.  Father God is THEE GOD that you can’t live without. 

The Almighty Vagina

When a man performs oral sex on his wife one of the positions he does this from is laying prostrate.  This is one of the positions taken in seeking God as well.  Like the woman makes the almighty penis her god, so can a man make the almighty vagina his god.  Men, if you can’t live without the vagina then you have made it your god.  You’re committing fornication and adultery against God.  This brings sin into the marriage bed. 

Interesting enough the word fornication comes from the Greek word porniah where we get our English word pornographic.  It is translated, whoremonger, adultery, harlot, incest, idolatry, unlawful lust of either sex, whore, to sell, male prostitute, anal, and fornicator.

The Webster’s definition of fornication is premarital sex, sexual intercourse between an unmarried man and an unmarried woman.  I don’t see it listed in the original Greek in which the New Testament is written.  It appears that fornication means all sexual sin….notice per-marital sex, oral sex, manterbation (sex with self) and homosexuality are not listed among these.  

According to the Zondervan Pictorial Bible Dictionary the word prostitute means harlot or whore, to perform sex acts in heathen worship.  The word whore means a woman who habitually commits adultery or fornication especially for hire, a prostitute a harlot.  It is note worthy that in a very large proportion of cases the word is used for idolatry.  The two words idolatry and adultery can be identically defined as taking the love which belongs to one and giving it to another.

I know what you are thinking, “Wow premarital sex is not a sin!!!!!!!”  Not so fast notice that  homosexuality is not included among these either – but we know that homosexuality is a sin according to the Mosaic Law, and Romans chapter one along with God’s instruction to Adam…..to leave his father and mother and cleave to his wife.  Notice that listed among sexual sins is “anal” inferring anal sex is included.  This does not mean homosexuality because two women cannot perform anal sex.  Therefore, homosexuality is idolatry which is included in the list of sexual sins of fornication.  So where then does it say sex before marriage is wrong?  As we read many Old Testament accounts of the life of David, Solomon, Abraham, Samson, and many others we can see the many relational problems they had, not to mention how it effected their anointing (ability to do)  because they did not practice restraint in this area.  It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to see that if you do what they did you will get the same results they did.  While pre-marital sex may or may not send you to hell it can cause hell for you here on earth.  Galatians 5:23 includes temperance as a fruit of the Spirit. Temperance means self control, life of discipline, exercising restraint. 

I Corinthians 7:9-10

   I say therefore to the unmarried and widows, it is good for them if they abide even as I.
   But if they cannot contain, let them marry: for it is better to marry than to burn.

Even though you may be restraining from sex the desire is still there.  If you have a strong desire then it is better for you to marry and have sex within the confines of marriage than to stay single and be destracted by the constant battle of restraining. 

I Corinthians 6:18

   Flee fornication.  Every sin that a man doeth is without the body, but he that committeth fornication sinneth against his own body.

Apostle Paul really couldn’t make it any plainer here. He uses the word fornication which again does not list homosexuality, premarital sex, oral sex, or masturbation.  Again we know that homosexuality is a sin….but the other three are not specifically listed except for pre-marital in
I Corinthains 7:10.  Idolatry and adultery are listed in the sins of fornication which implies that homosexuality is a sin because practicing such acts is against God’s word therefore putting it before God.

The Marriage Bed

Hebrews 13:4

   Marriage is honorable in all, and the bed undefiled, but the whoremongers and the adulterers God will judge.

We can see that marriage is honorable.  A minister that pronounces you man and wife, signs the marriage license with witnesses.  Without that license the relationship is not a marriage therefore it is not honored as one.  In our country this is the law….if we want our committed relationship to be honored as a marriage we must abide by the law.  In following the law our family, friends and church also honor it as a marriage.  Marriage is defined differently in different cultures.  In several countries in Africa marriage starts when a couple begins to co-habit with each other, it is honored as a marriage.  This scripture goes on to say and the bed undefiled.  It is talking about the marriage bed being without sin, is honored.  Sins in the marriage bed are idolatry and adultery.  Worshiping the almighty penis and vagina as well as cheating on your spouse outside of the marriage bed.  When a spouse is cheating they bring the person they are cheating with to the marriage bed.  In my experience of my ex cheating I felt her presence in our bed during a time of intimacy.  I did not know he was cheating but during love making I sensed a presence – it was not the Holy Spirit.   I didn’t understand it at the time. Another way to commit adultery/idolatry is thinking of someone else while you are making love to your spouse. 

Sexual Pleasure or Expression

The marriage bed is the holy of holies of a couple.  This is where they engage in intercourse.  It is the deepest expression there is.  It is expressing your deepest feelings for one another.  Think about the Holy of Holies prayers you pray.  When in the Holy of Holies you are expressing your deepest feelings of worship to God.  As a couple think about your holy of holies talk between each other.  What comes out of your mouth will indicate if you are experiencing sexual pleasure or sexual expression.  In other words using words like
f_ _ _ . Or telling your partner to f_ _ _ you.  This is an indication of sexual pleasure.  I am not suggesting that this is wrong but many couples lose the expression for the pleasure. 

The Bible is very clear on the origin of music…why it was created.  It was not created for an evangelistic tool.  There isn’t any place in the Bible where we will find music used for evangelism.  It was created for the sole purpose of worship to God.  However, it is not a sin to do so but for a long time the church used it more for evangelism and to express one’s gift rather than to worship God. This is when it becomes a sin.  It is the same principle in the marriage bed – sexual pleasure is certainly not wrong but if you lose the expression then you are using it for something other than what it was created for.  Using expressive words that express worship to one another is expression and that is the sole purpose of intercourse and then of course this produces life.  Not only does this produce the natural life of another human being but also life to the marriage.  If all you are doing is engaging in sexual pleasure it won’t be long before the marriage breaks down.   While you can bond to your partner with both, pleasure goes only soul deep while expression is Spirit deep.  For pleasure only, is like building your house upon the sand.  Expression is more of a solid foundation in which to build the house of covenant.  I believe that God’s best for us is a good balance between the two.  During intimacy one is giving and the other receiving.  The one giving should be expressing while the receiver experiencing great pleasure.  I believe this is a good balance.

How can one tell if they are just having sex or really making love?  When it is about the other person that is true love making.  A pleaser is not necessarily a lover.  Again, a lover is someone who expresses; a pleaser is someone who aims to please for their own glory.  Many times women will become emotional, after love making, to the point of tears.  This is not always an indication of her feeling like she was just made love to, but it can be.  True lovemaking always includes the presence of the Holy Spirit.  He is supposed to be a part of the marriage bed.  This is what really makes it the couple’s holy of holies.  During lovemaking, at the height of climax you should be touching heaven.  An indication that you are, is when you feel the presence of God in such a way that you even begin to worship Him.  Those of the Pentecostal persuasion have been known to speak in tongues during this time.  To the guys who think they are mega studs let me give you a word of advice; you are not a stud until you can make such deep love to your wife, bringing her so much pleasure that she touches heaven, indicated by her worship to God while you are making love to her.  I believe this is love making in its purest form.

The Effects of Sex Before Marriage

When you have sex with a non-Christian you are having intercourse with the world.  This of course will affect you in a negative way.  It will influence you toward the dark side.

Having sex outside of marriage with a Christian who you know you will not marry can mess you up in your emotions as well as having sex with your Christian mate before marriage.

Sex before marriage is dangerous.  When you cross over onto the sexual side it messes up your emotions to the point of confusion.  Women are emotional to begin with but when we cross over to the sexual side outside of marriage it really messes us up.  We bond stronger than the man.  This will cause both parties to compromise on things otherwise they would not.  This can cause and emotional high for the two to the point of not being able to make sound decisions.  They may choose to marry when they are not right for one another because of the bond that sexual intimacy brings.   Sexual intimacy takes you on an emotional high; it’s great until you land.  What goes up must come down and the landing is not worth it.  Sexual intimacy can cause you to become dependant on your partner, which is not supposed to happen until after marriage.  Dependency is part of the marriage covenant.  If there is a break up before marriage it hurts, you feel like you want to die.  It’s like a drug; that is why divorce is so painful because of the oneness physically.  Sex belongs in the confines of marriage; this allows the Holy Spirit to be part of it.  We need His blessing in all that we do.

This is also one of the reasons I have made the decision to maintain my celibacy until after marriage.  I want a sound mind when choosing a mate.  When someone is in your life on a regular basis and you are engaging in sexual intimacy you are off of the mark, or off of your faith so far that you will think you are hearing God say one thing when He is saying another.  When you are off the mark everything you do will be off of the mark as well.  When you are off of the mark God cannot get to you what He has for you and that is the mate that is right for you.  I encourage you to save sex for marriage.

You are going to suffer either way.  You will suffer effects from the restraint of the strong desire to express yourself sexually which will set the law of the Spirit of Life in Christ Jesus in operation or from the effects of sexual intimacy outside of marriage which will set the law of sin and death in operation in your life, Romans 8:2. 

Choose Your Suffering