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Online Dating
By Pastor Darla Winn
The two big questions I hear the most, concerning online dating, are, “Is on line dating appropriate for Christians?”
and “Should ministers have profiles on single’s sites?”
Regarding
the first question, I think the question should be “Is dating appropriate for Christians?” If dating is
appropriate then why wouldn’t online dating be appropriate? Just like anything if it is used right it can be successful.
Some have a standard of chatting a while on the computer before they graduate to the phone. They talk on the phone a
while before they meet for a date. Well, in the real world of dating it’s not like that - it is not as careful.
You're asked out by a co-worker or someone in the church etc., and you go out with very little, to no, phone time.
You get to know each other by dating. Online dating is a bit safer – you can learn a lot about someone by talking
to them on the phone. You should be able to tell by conversations, on the phone, where they 're at spiritually, intellectually
and emotionally. This will give you an idea if this person is someone you could have a meaningful relationship with
or maybe someone in whom you can be friends with or not hang out with at all.
One
of the big mistakes people make with online dating
is that they never really see each other in real life situations on a daily basis. They visit back and forth but it’s
always in the spirit of being a guest. They don’t see how each handles problems nor do they get the opportunity
to observe each other’s decision making or how they handle pressure, on a daily basis. In the visiting process
the man may never see if she brings out the best or worst in him and vise versa because they are always on their best behavior.
This could be one of the reasons the divorce rate, in the church is so high – relocating to marry instead of relocating
to date.
Many
turn to singles sites after spousal rejection, betrayal or a divorce. Women do this looking for a connection.
In the book of Genesis we see that man was created before the woman. He knew the earth without the woman but the woman has never known the earth without the man. A woman feels very much out of sorts when she doesn’t
feel that sense of belonging to a man. This does not mean she cannot function in life without a man because she can,
but it is always with the sense of something being missing in her life – she can be very distracted by her singleness.
This can make her vulnerable to accepting the wrong man in her life just because he gives her the feeling of the sense of
belonging.
Dating
conventional or online, one of the first things to check out is their spirituality, find out
about their church background and if they really have a relationship with God.
Conversation is the beginning stages of finding out one’s depth spiritually but what about seeing them walk out
what they are saying? Words are words but in the scheme of long distance dating I don’t believe you have the opportunity
to see their walk close up.
Then
observe them intellectually to see if they are at the same level as you and also be sensitive to their emotional well being. Many on these sites are not emotionally well enough for a relationship.
And
then of course as divorced singles there is always the conversation about sex. Not a sexual conversation but one about sex between two adults. Divorced singles
are always curious if this is going to be an area of struggle between the two. One may have a much stronger sex drive
and the other may not have one at all. I believe this is a good healthy way to see if perhaps someone
could be a potential mate.
The
main thing to remember is not to allow your emotions
to govern the relationship. Emotions are a wonderful thing but they can be deadly if allowed to govern. One of
the ways you can tell if your emotions are out of control is when you have to run to the computer several times a day to see
if he/she has emailed you. Or you wait all day for his/her call. Or you call and they are not available. One of the things I have witnessed first hand is a young woman who I know stopped
going to family functions or at least limited herself in attending anything outside of her computer room because she didn’t
want to miss him coming online. If not hearing from him/her affects your mood for the day, then that is a pretty good
sign that your emotions are governing the relationship. Your spirit man should always be doing the governing.
I admire
my 20 year old niece who is attending Oral Roberts University. She has been home for the summer. I was privileged
to mentor her for one year before she started at O.R.U. I teach all those who I mentor high moral standards. Sje
has met a wonderful young man at school who is anointed and full of the Holy Ghost. She doesn’t allow him to kiss
her on the lips or see her in a swim suit etc. She is reserving herself for her husband. He may be her husband,
if so he will be blessed by her within the confines of marriage. (You may wish to read some of her articles www.solidfrontworshipcenter.org click on Bible Study Center,
then click on the "Relationship" and then “For Singles” link). It is obvious to me that her spirit man
is in control. Her young man has come to visit for the last week of their summer vacation and will travel
back with her. I have observed her around him. While it is obvious she is crazy about him she doesn’t hang
all over him or have to be at his side every minute….All summer she has missed him and been on the phone with him much
of the time she has been home, but she was still able to function and be happy. This is because her spirit man is governing
the relationship. I credit her godly stand to the decision for God she has made…however she has never been married
– she is a virgin.
Comment by a Single Divorced Man.
I'd
like to comment on the experience of the ORU attending niece. Although her determination and actions are commendable, wise,
and perhaps even recommended........... These actions are certainly more easily followed by someone that has not been awakened
sexually. The Christian that is divorced is a situation that is altogether different. With all due respect and admiration
for her dedication in her dating situation I would think that the majority of even the most dedicated divorced Christians
would think that the standard upheld by this single Christian young woman is impractical, undesirable, and unmanageable..........
unless the engagement is going to be very short.
This
quote is so true, I could not have said it better myself - however the point
that I was making concerning my niece is that she is spiritually and emotionally stable, not allowing her emotions to govern
the relationship and sticking with her stand. For the divorced single when we
declare celibacy….we need to stand in that declaration sowing to the Spirit we will reap from the Spirit.
Whether
you date conventionally or online the principles are the same. Be sure that you
are ready to date either way.
Regarding
the second question, again like the first the question it should be "Is it okay for a minister to date?" If it is then it would be okay for them to date conventional as well as online. A profile on a single's site is another avenue of ministry….however a minister needs to be ready
to date as well as the rest. Ministers and Christians fall into sexual sin with
their dating partners online or otherwise.
One
of the best places for a minister to have their profile is on a secular dating site.
We need to be lights in the darkness. You see very little
light on a secular single's site. But again one would need to be emotionally
ready to be that light otherwise they will get sucked into the darkness by its influence.
I have seen minister’s profiles on the Christian sites and the same ministers also have profiles on secular sites.
The problem with that is their profile is not the same. It’s real spiritual on the Christian site but says very little about their faith on the secular site. This makes me wonder about their sincerity.
It’s hypocritical – it’s like being one thing in church but another in the world. I realize that many are fighting for their life and sanity in the process of adjusting to the single life,
but Ministers and Christians need to be real especially in the world.
Bottom
line: Before we date we need to make sure we are ready no matter the form, and
be a shinning light in this dark world.
Who
Relocates?
Online
dating raises the issue of distance and long distance relationships. Obviously
someone is going to have to relocate in order for the relationship to survive. Who
relocates is a major issue. I have my own personal view but I would like to share
the view of a friend first. He says that whoever makes the initial contact
should be the one willing to relocate. If you are not willing to relocate then
you should not contact anyone who is not local. Though I understand where
he is coming from, and I agree with him on a practical note, but also remembering that we are not dealing with just the practical
but strong emotions as well. We are emotional beings and long to be fulfilled
emotionally. We also need to remember that people have been dating and finding
mates long before cyberspace existed. Those that are not willing to relocate
may do better outside of cyberspace unless they find someone in their local area. I tend to believe the one without the career,
which is usually the woman….or the one with less of a career should be the one to relocate - or the one who makes the
least amount of money. If you limit yourself to just contacting people inside
your local area your choices are going to be limited. If you decide to contact
someone outside of your local area with no plan to relocate and you make a good strong connection, you will be at the mercy
of that person to be willing to relocate. For a woman to insist the man relocate
when he is at the prime of his career making big bucks, when she makes very little compared to him she is being foolish. It could be a test that she is putting him through.
“If he relocates that means he really loves me.” Again, this is foolish.
So, he relocates to prove his love for her…he is now working a lesser job not being able to provide in a way
he is used to or maybe that job doesn’t work out and he is unemployed for a while…this is going to affect how
he feels about her. Resentment will begin to grow in him against her. This will cause major trouble in the marriage just because he moved to prove his love. Now he could care less and wants out. If I were to meet a
man and make the commitment of marriage, who lived in another state, who is financially established, I would not hesitate
to relocate. A man being financially established would be a blessing to me. It would be part of the appeal.
Is
Online Dating a Scam?
It
appears that many misrepresent themselves in their profiles. Women tend to post
out-dated pictures, most likely due to weight gain or aging because they are insecure about their current look. For sure the clock is ticking and we are all aging but we are not going to reach our desired result if
we are not honest. One man was more than willing to share a story of such happening
to him. He drove about seven hours to reach the home of the woman he had been
in contact with. They had spoken on the phone for a period of time before he
made the trip. When he arrived he was greeted by a family member who told him
she was out at the club with her sister. He thought that was odd because she
knew he would be there at this agreed time. He went to his car and waited for
them to return. About 4:00 in the morning she and her sister came home. After they were in the house he made his way to the door and knocked. Her sister answered, she was the woman whose picture he had been looking at all of this time. Then the woman he had been talking to came to the door crying. She
was very overweight and unattractive to this man. Was she just playing games
or what? Most likely she desired to make a connection but knew the way she looked;
she wouldn’t be able to make the kind of connection she desired. So she
used her sister’s picture living in a fantasy world and when it came time for reality she ran and hid. I have heard similar stories from several different men over the last year about how woman misrepresent
themselves online. Are they scammers? Maybe
some are just playing games…but for the most part I tend to believe most are insecure women who are desperate for a
connection. Men also do their share of misrepresenting themselves. I find that many will have “Looking for a Serious Relationship” on their profiles, when in
fact they are not. They are looking for a woman to have a good time with once
in a while. Some travel a lot and want to meet women in every area they are traveling
to. When contacted by a man, no matter what their profile says, I ask them what
they are looking for on the site. Just because it’s a Christian site doesn’t
mean everyone is a Christian. There are Christian men on these sites that do
not live a life of sexual restraint. These men will tell you how sexy you are,
what a sexy voice you have, etc. Beware; they are slowly trying to stimulate you for phone sex. If you are called by a contact after 10:00 at night this is usually what they have in mind. If they ask you at the beginning of the contact if you have a cam that is a sign they want to masturbate
with you online in front of the cams – this is known as cyber-sex. So,
is online dating a scam? I don’t think it is a scam. However, many on these single’s sites are people who are hurting.
Unfortunately hurting people attract hurting people. People who are hurting
hurt people. Is it a scam? I don’t think so, just a bunch of hurting dysfunctional
people.
While
there are scammers on these sites I don’t think online dating is a scam. The
steps of the righteous are ordered by God. When practicing Christians are on
these sites so is God there to guide.
There
is Internet People and Then There are Good People on the Internet:
Internet
people are hurtful people. They are opportunist looking for their own happiness
with very little regard for the feelings of others. If you don’t say the
right thing or respond the right way they devalue you and stop communicating with you with no explanation. They will seem caring and affectionate at first; misleading their partner and then all of a sudden they
cut off contact. This is called being cyber-dumped – if a person is already
hurting this will add greatly to their pain.
And
then there are good people who are on the internet. These are those who treat their partners or contacts with respect and honor –
they treat others like real people. They value those they are in contact with. This is a good person who happens to be on the internet.
The
bottom line is that many people on these sites, Christians and non Christians, are looking for mankind to fulfill them where
only God can. There is nothing wrong with online dating as long as you are truly
"SINGLE." Single in the original Hebrew translates whole. Dating is for “whole” people, those completely healed.
Fooling around with dating in any form when you are not yet healed just slows down your healing process. Get healed, then make new friends and see where it goes. Dating
just to date for something to do is not wisdom. Celibacy is much harder to maintain
if you are dating just for the fun of it. We are all brothers and sisters in
Christ and need to treat each other with respect and honor.
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THE GIFT OF SINGLENESS
Giving
Pieces of Your Heart Away
It was finally here—Anna’s wedding day, the day she had dreamed
about and planned for months. The small, picturesque church was crowded with friends and family. Sunlight poured through the
stained-glass windows, and the gentle music of a stringed quartet filled the air. Anna walked down the aisle toward David.
Joy surged within her. This was the moment for which she had waited so long. He gently took her hand, and they turned toward
the altar.
But as the minister began to lead Anna and David through their vows, the unthinkable
happened. A girl stood up in the middle of the congregation, walked quietly to the altar, and took David’s other hand.
Another girl approached and stood next to the first, followed by another. Soon, a chain of six girls stood by him as he repeated
his vows to Anna. Anna felt her lip beginning to quiver as tears welled up in her eyes. “Is this some kind of joke?”
she whispered to David.
“I’m…I’m sorry, Anna,” he said, staring at the
floor.
“Who are these girls, David? What is going on?” she gasped.
“They’re girls from my past,” he answered sadly. “Anna,
they don’t mean anything to me now…but I’ve given part of my heart to each of them.”
“I thought your heart was mine,” she said.
“It is, it is,” he pleaded. “Everything that’s left
is yours.”
A tear rolled down Anna’s cheek. Then she woke up.
Anna told me about her dream in a letter. “When I awoke I felt so betrayed,”
she wrote. “But then I was struck with this sickening thought: How many men could line up next to me on my wedding day?
How many times have I given my heart away in short-term relationships? Will I have anything left to give my husband?”
(“I Kissed Dating Goodbye” by Joshua Harris, 17-18)
DATING QUIZ
(from “I Kissed Dating Goodbye” by Joshua Harris)
What is your motivation in relationships, pleasing yourself or serving others?
Do you give yourself away physically or emotionally in ways you will regret when
married?
Does your current relationship hinder you from serving God as a single person?
“WITHOUT CHRIST, LIFE IS NOTHING BUT A BREATHING DEATH”
-Unknown
When I read that, I thought, “Wow, how many would be in my line?” I hadn’t
really realized that when I used to date around, I was giving a piece of my heart away to them. My “husband” doesn’t
want to have to share my heart with the guys in my past and I don’t want to share his heart with all his past girlfriends.
Dating around is the part of the world’s system. I didn’t know any better
when I was growing up. My first boyfriend was in 5th grade. My parents thought if it was harmless, what’s
wrong with it? One of my aunts has two daughters and she says that she raised her girls thinking that they should always have
a guy because that’s how she was raised. She didn’t know until was too late. Now, she’s helping raise her
grandchildren in the right mentality.
I know so many people that I went to school with who would talk about their new boyfriend
for the week and you just couldn’t keep up with them. Some of them would even say “I love dating, it’s so
fun!” The Message Bible says in
I
John 2:15-18,
Don’t love the world’s ways. Don’t love the world’s goods. Love of the world
squeezes out love for the Father. Practically everything that goes on in the world—wanting your own way, wanting everything
for yourself, wanting to appear important—has nothing to do with the Father. It just isolates you from Him. The world
and all its wanting, wanting, wanting is on the way out—but whoever does what God wants is set for eternity.
Dating around and getting involved in all these relationships isolate you from God.
Before I became really serious with God and learned about the gift of singleness, I dated a guy for about 5 months. 5 months
doesn’t seem that long, but it did to me at the time. It was my first actual serious “high school” relationship.
It wasn’t like the little, meaningless middle school relationships. I thought surely, “this is it”. First
of all, I lowered my standards right away, it wasn’t a healthy relationship and I got myself too emotionally attached
to the point where I was blinded. I gave a piece of my heart away not knowing that I was giving it away to someone I wasn’t
going to walk down the aisle with. I didn’t know that I was just giving it away to someone who wasn’t even serving
God. I got caught up in the world’s system of dating and the result of that was a broken heart and low self-esteem.
For a while, I thought little of myself. The guy (we’ll just call him Dave) broke up with me saying that he fell out
of love with me so I thought so much was wrong with me. I didn’t realize, until long afterwards, that God was rescuing
me. At the time I was dating Dave, I was in “As Women” ministries. However, my heart wasn’t in it. I was
just expressing my gift of music. I was so involved in my relationship that I had slipped away from God. I had isolated myself
from Him, my family, and friends. So when Dave had broken up with me, my Savior had rescued me again! My eyes were opened.
I was restored. Now my heart is in the ministry and church.
I’m sure a lot of the readers can relate to my story in some way, so let me ask
you this: Are you caught up in the world’s system of dating around or does God have your whole heart?
Changes to a New Attitude
Last month, I wrote about defective dating and how you give
pieces of your heart away when you date. Dating is the former lifestyle, the old habits, and the old attitude.
The change out of the old attitude is the first step. We must now put on the new attitude. In Ephesians 4:22-24 of the NLT Bible, Paul tells us,
…throw off your old evil nature and your former
way of life, which is rotten through and through, full of lust and deception. Instead, there must be a spiritual renewal of
your thoughts and attitudes. You must display a new person because you are a new person, created in God’s likeness—righteous,
holy and true.
Our outlook of relationships must change. And according to the above mentioned verses, if we renew our minds with
the Word, if we stay rooted and grounded in His Word, then the new attitude towards relationships will never be taken off.
You shouldn’t look at relationships with the opposite sex as opportunities
to date them. We need to look at relationships with members of both sex as opportunities to display God’s love. Love
the opposite sex as Christ does. Don’t think of the person you met at church last week as a potential boyfriend or girlfriend
but as a brother or sister in Christ. We need to be content with friendship during our season of singleness. The
gift of singleness holds amazing opportunities that dating would hinder.
Like the Snickers slogan, the old attitude would say, “Why wait?” However,
the new attitude sees that if a commitment can’t be made by two people, then there is no reason to pursue romance. The
old attitude would say that it is okay to “play marriage” like children “play house.” People with
the old attitude think that since they are “practically married,” then it is acceptable to act married. But that’s
not acceptable with the new attitude or with the Word of God for that matter. “Practically married” doesn’t
mean “married”. It means “still not married.” No “ifs”, “ands”, or “buts!”
You can act married when you have an authentic marriage license and at least one witness of that special day. Until
that day, what right do you have to “play marriage?”
We need to be careful with the situations we get ourselves into. The old attitude wouldn’t
care about that. The new attitude says we shouldn’t put ourselves in compromising situations. Some people want to stay
pure and a virgin and they are willing to do anything but have sex in order to remain a virgin. But that’s the old attitude.
With the new attitude, purity is more than just staying a virgin. One of the definitions of purity is the state
of being free from sin or moral wrong. All pre-marital sexual activity is a moral wrong. Are you committed to purity or
just remaining a virgin? “Where, when, and with whom you choose to spend your time reveals your true commitment to purity,” (I Kissed Dating Goodbye by Joshua
Harris, 50).
So like Paul said in Ephesians, let’s throw off our old attitudes and renew our minds with the Word and take
on the new attitudes.
A simple story told by one of my favorite preachers,
Ravi Zacharias, clearly illustrates the choice we face. One day a boy who has a bag of marbles proposes a trade with a little
girl who has a bag of candy. The girl gladly agrees. But while the boy gets out his marbles, he realizes that he can’t
bear to part with some of them. Rather dishonestly, he takes three of his best marbles and hides them under his pillow. The
boy and girl make the trade, and the girl never knows he has cheated her. But that night while the girl lies fast asleep,
the boy has no peace. He’s wide awake, pondering a question that nags him: “I wonder if she kept her best candy,
too?”
Like that little boy, many of us walk through life plagued by the question “Has God given
me His best?” But the question that we must answer first is “Am I giving God my best?” (Harris, 52)
**************************************************************************************
Dating Quiz (part 2)
1. If you’re not ready to consider marriage or you’re not truly interested in marrying
a specific person, why encourage that person to need you or ask him or her to meet your needs emotionally or physically? (Harris,
48)
2. Are you willing to break our culture’s rules to experience God’s best? (Harris, 51)
3. Have you given God everything within you, or do you still hold your favorite marbles in your hands,
including your attitude about dating? (Harris, 52)
“Commit yourself wholeheartedly and unconditionally to the most important people in your life.”
-Brian Tracy
I Made The Mistake (Of Thinking You Were My Mate)
By V. Helena
Last season, I made the
mistake
of considering you a potential mate.
Something my heart desired...
in you, I admired...
those things I aspired...
to be.
No guidance was needed.
No scripture was heeded.
I pressed toward that mark.
I heard how nice it could be
to have someone fashioned just for me
and I exhaled whenever you laughed....inhaled whenever you whispered...and
slowly
the dance began.
Last month, I made the mistake of treating you like a mate.
Our discussions focused less on Christ.
Your lips began to entice
all those things that were dormant but real
and Ooh, how you made me feel.
Not once did I ask, “Father is this what you want for me?”
from me?...to be…
in this state?!
With a jaundiced eye,
I did not hesitate
…to proceed.
Last week, I made the mistake of wanting you to be my mate.
Your schedule became our schedule.
Your favorite dish became my specialty.
We prayed for strength and sought forgiveness,
for in our hearts...we were one.
But why is my spirit unsettled?
Why does my heart feel embattled?
Why the conflict?
To which my Father answered,
“Remember, you picked…”
which is fine, but then he went on to say,
“Did I tell you this was the time?”
Last night, I made the mistake of thinking you were my mate.
When I awakened, it was as clear as the tug in my heart.
We had no right.
I had no claim.
All had to be given up in Jesus’ name.
Properly routed and spiritually intended,
this may have been prevented.
Instead, I must bid thee farewell,
My Father is calling me back to the garden.
The harvest is in
and I still have work to do...
and so does He
…who lives in me.
(Taken from: http://www.shelovesgod.com/library/poem.cfm?articleid=6612)
Love, Patience, and Purity
What is your view on love? To you, what is love defined
as? Do you employ patience or tolerance? What is purity worth to you? In both October and November, I shared a little
bit about each but this month I will expand on them. You can look at each as a lifestyle. You can also see them as necessities.
But what you don’t want to do is turn your back to them. The world’s view on love is immensely different from
God’s view. You’ve heard many people use the term “fall in love.” You might have even used it yourself.
But if there is a “falling in love” then that means there is a “falling out of love.” Genuine, true love does not happen on accident. It’s a choice and its uncondi- tional. You can’t “fall out of it.” I Corinthians 13 tells us
exactly what love is. No where in the chapter does it say “Love is sex” or “love only when you feel like
it.” In verse 4, it says that love is patient. That means that true love waits until marriage to have sex. Sex
is a beautiful gift given to the married couple. Any premarital sexual activity is a sin. So if you don’t wait until
marriage then you are sinning.
I Corinthians 6:17-20 (TEV) - But he who joins himself to the Lord becomes spiritually
one with him. Avoid immorality. Any other sin a man commits does not affect his body;
but the man who is guilty of sexual immorality sins
against his own body. Don't you know that
your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit, who lives in you and who was given to you by God? You do not belong to yourselves
but to God; He bought you for a price. So use your bodies for God's glory.
That scripture passage tells us that when we are sexually immoral (engaging in premarital
sex, extramarital sex, homosexuality, incestuous relationships, or unnatural acts with animals) then we are sinning against
our very own bodies. We house the Holy Spirit in our bodies so in the same way that we should be careful with what kind
of food we put in our bodies, we need to not sin against our bodies by committing sexually immoral acts. Too many people
have told me that they wished they had waited or that their wedding nights weren’t anything much because they did not
wait. In Ephesians 5:5-6, it says that an immoral or impure person does not have an inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and
of God. For those of you who already chose not to wait and want to change, repent today and turn away from anything that will
cause you to go back to that lifestyle. We serve a forgiving God. Turn onto the path of purity and righteousness.
Purity is a lifestyle that you choose. You don’t just “stumble into it” or live a pure life
by accident. It’s a choice you make. When you choose that lifestyle, you must change. You can’t choose purity
and then continue to get yourself into compromising situations. One of the compromising situations I do not let happen at
all is being alone with the opposite sex. What do we need
to go on a one-on-one date for? Why do we need to do our homework in his room while his mom isn’t home? Why do we need
to park somewhere secluded? There’s no reason for us to be alone. That’s why they are called compromising situations.
I know what you’re thinking, “But we have great self-control.” In compromising situations, self-control is not enough.
II Timothy 2:22 (NIV) - Flee the evil desires of youth, and pursue righteousness, faith, love and
peace, along with those who call on the Lord out of a pure heart.
That scripture doesn’t say “Flee the evil desires of youth unless you have
great self-control…” So run from compromising situations instead of getting yourself into them. Make good
choices. Choose to love others the way the Father does, unconditionally. Choose patience because there is a greater reward
for patience. And choose purity for “blessed
are the pure in heart: for they shall see God,” (Matthew 5:8, KJV).
“A man and woman who commit their lives to each other in marriage gain the right
to express themselves sexually to each other. A husband and wife may enjoy each other’s bodies because they in essence
belong to each other. But if you’re not married to someone, you have no claim on that person’s body, no right
to sexual intimacy.”
-Joshua Harris
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Practice Makes Perfect
Everyone has heard the saying “Practice Makes
Perfect”. Well, it holds true especially in the area of relation-ships. As I conclude “The Gift of Singleness”
this month, you will see why others, and I as well, have chosen to use our singleness for the Kingdom of God rather than avoiding
it.
I’ve heard many say that dating is the best way to find your partner for
life. Some even say it’s the only way. But I would have to disagree to both opinions because there is a better way.
In Ecclesiastes 3:1, it says that “For everything
there is a season…” If you are in your season of singleness
you should not be wasting it on numerous short-term relationships, instead you should be using it in furthering the Kingdom
of God. In the many attempts to search for the perfect one through dating,
you lose precious time that you can not gain back. Using your singleness for God will ultimately prepare you for your future and, yes, even your marriage. Some people
think that they need dating to get to know the other person better or to find out if they have compatibility. Well, that’s
what friendships are for. You can get to know somebody best as friends. In a dating atmosphere, it’s not always easy
to see the real person they are (their true character and how they react in certain situations and with other people). As
friends hanging out with other friends, you get to see and experience all sides of that person. Two friends (of the opposite
sex) who “hang out” by themselves is isolation and that’s leaning more into a date. They might not have
called it that, but that’s what it is.
You can get to know a friend better in a group setting. You might not be able
to discuss certain things in a group setting, but those are probably things that should not be discussed at all. You won’t
be able to know every single inkling of the person (their past, their feelings, their thoughts on every subject, their favorites,
their pet peeves, their secrets, their emotions, etc), but it’s no big deal because if you two end up getting married
then you have your whole marriage to learn everything there is to know about that person. Right now, all you need to know
is the important basics, not just the basics, but the important basics. First of all, knowing if they are a Christian
and if they attend church or not. You, also, need to know if that person is tithing or not because in Malachi 3:8-10, it says,
“Will a man rob God? Yet you are robbing Me!
But you say, ‘How have we robbed You?’ In tithes and offerings. You are cursed with a curse, for you are robbing
Me, the whole nation of you! Bring the whole tithe into the storehouse, so that there may be food in My house, and test Me
now in this," says the LORD of hosts, "if I will not open for you the windows of heaven and pour out for you a blessing until
it overflows.
If that person is not tithing, then they are cursed with a curse and you do not want
to be with someone who is cursed with a curse because they are not tithing. Other important things you should know are their
beliefs and standards on things. Those important basics you can find out through friendship. I knew a guy who seemed almost
perfect; he was a Christian, attended a Word of Faith church, and was baptized with the Holy Ghost. I haven’t met a
guy my age with those qualities until I met him. Unfortunately, he did not tithe and when I ministered to him about it, I
hadn’t heard from him since. It doesn’t bother me, however, because my husband is going to be a faithful tither
and sower and that guy didn’t meet the requirements.
I know so many people who think of dating as just having fun. They’re not planning
on settling down any time soon. They just want to live life, be free, date around, and have fun. What’s the harm in
that right? There is, however, more harm in dating than what some people may realize. Too much pain is involved in the series
of short-term relationships that they engage themselves in. It’s just too much pain for “just having fun.” Dating “involves breaking up when the going gets tough,” (rustyparts.com). It is
practice for divorce. Dating does not prepare you for marriage; rather it prepares you for divorce. When you use your singleness
for God it prepares you for a life-long committed marriage, not divorce.
I’ve had quite a few people ask me, “Well, if you don’t date, how
are you going to find ‘the one’ and get married?” Most people believe the process is to date and then become
engaged, but you can just skip the dating part. As I’ve stated in my other articles, God does things differently than the world. The process should be friends who become engaged. When I meet my future husband, not once will we be boyfriend and girlfriend.
We will be friends accomplishing a common goal, which is furthering the Kingdom of God side by side, not face to face. So
as you have heard the saying “Practice makes perfect,” what do you choose to practice?
-Ashley Winn
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“Friendship is about something other than the two people in the relationship; intimacy is about
each other. In a true friendship, something outside the two friends brings them together…The key to friendship is a
common goal or object on which both companions focus…As soon as the two people involved focus on the relationship,
it has moved beyond friendship.”
-Joshua Harris (I Kissed Dating Goodbye)
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How to Choose a Mate
By Pastor Darla Winn
It is Not Good For Man to Be Alone
Genesis 2:18
Now the Lord God said, It is not good (sufficient satisfactory) that
the man should be alone: I will make him a helper meet (suitable, adapted complementary) for him.
Because God did not think it was good for man to be alone, as we keep reading we see that He made woman. Even though Adam was not alone, he had the animals and God – God still said
he was alone. We read in verses 21 and 22 that God caused a deep sleep to fall
on Adam and while he slept God took one of his ribs, made a woman and brought her to him. Man was no longer alone. Adam named
all of the animals and then he named Eve. But God called her woman because she
was man with a womb. I would like to point out here that the man has known the
earth without the women but the women has never known the earth without the man.
Divorce
is the Death of One Person
Today we hear of many divorces among ministers, this leaves them single in their early to middle-age. In my experience of counseling couples and hearing many reasons for divorce I have found that one of the
reasons ministers are divorced is because one out of the couple has a lack of passion for ministry. One spouse may be going full speed ahead in the ministry while the other is dragging their feet. One has developed faith and the other has not. This causes
a gap between the two allowing a place for the devil to get in and destroy the covenant relationship. I believe that Satan is not after destroying the covenant relationship as much as he is out to destroy
the ministry they are called to. He hates covenant because God loves covenant. Covenant gives strength. The marriage
covenant is the protector of the ministry.
Genesis 2:24
Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother and shall
cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh. (KJV)
When two come together in the marriage union this is the birth of a new being – they are now ONE. Divorce is the death of that one being or person.
God hates divorce because it is the death of one person. God is all about
life therefore against anything that causes death, John 3:16. Satan is well pleased to break up a covenant relationship, because he is killing the
one person birthed by the two coming together, who are called to do great things for God.
Satan divides, leading to divorce; he then works to destroy the ministry which is what he is ultimately after.
Divorce Doesn’t Mean Your Ministry is Over
I can name many ministers today who are divorced but still thriving in ministry.
They overcame and didn’t allow Satan to destroy their ministries. Another
reason, ministers end up in divorce is because their priorities are not in order. They
put their ministry above their family. I can name ministers today who leave their families for long periods of time to be
out on the field of ministry. This error in judgment is out of order and gives
place to the enemy to get in and destroy. Now if there is a mutual agreement
between the two for him or her to be gone for a long period of time then it may work once in a while, but a couple would need
to know what their limits are and be led by God.
God’s order is this: God, family and then ministry. Remember this; marriage is a
product of creation, while
ministry is a product of the fall.
I Timothy 5:8
But if any provide not for his own, and especially for those
of his own house, he hath denied the faith, and is worse than an infidel. (KJV)
In this particular passage I believe it is talking more about providing material needs for the family but the
principle is that the family would come first. Providing whatever it is they
need such as fulfilling them spiritually, intellectually, emotionally and providing for the needs of their physical body. Our ministry first starts with those of our households. Ministering to them spirit, soul, and body.
There was a time I used to be very hard on ministers who are divorced,
however, one thing I noticed about them is they seem to be just as, if not more, anointed than before they were divorced. I committed to not stand in judgment of them but did not understand how they could
end up in a divorce. I wondered if they lacked in their prayer life. I have always taught that every failure is a prayer failure. Granted if there is a divorce it is prayer failure but not with the partner who is strong in their faith
but the one who is weak in faith – the one who wants out of the marriage.
Believer Married to a Nonbeliever
I have seen cases where Satan has even worked through the believing spouse to divide, unbeknownst to them. The believing spouse can have an arrogant way about them that suggests, to the unbelieving
spouse, that they are not acceptable, or less of a human being because they don’t believe, giving them the feeling of
never measuring up. This causes them to be vulnerable for the enemy to get in
and divide, resulting in separation and then finally divorce. The believing spouse
then doesn’t understand why their prayers, for their unbelieving spouse, were not answered for their salvation, when
all the time they themselves were the weak link, not the unbelieving spouse. Obviously
the unbelieving spouse has a different standard of living than the believing one. Instead
of reflecting the heart of Christ, which is love, the believer reflects more of a critical judgmental one. Again, this is done in ignorance by the believing spouse. Over
a course of time this builds resentment in the heart of the unbeliever against the believer leading to anger and hostility. After a while the unbelieving spouse gets burned out with always feeling less than
and may choose to leave the marriage. I have also seen cases where the unbeliever
will seek for other ways to please and measure up….such as building on a room, doing extra things around the house etc. They are desperate for approval and acceptance by the believer, until they finally
burn out throwing their hands up in the air and saying, “Enough is enough what’s the use, nothing I do seems to
please her/him.” With counseling these things can be brought to light and
dealt with, repentance can take place and the marriage can then be restored.
Non-believing Believer
I Corinthians 7:15
But if the unbelieving partner [actually] leaves let him do
so in such [cases the remaining brother or sister is not morally bound. But God
has called us to peace. (KJV)
What classifies someone as an unbeliever? This is a non-Christian
but could also be rendered an unbelieving believer. There are many unbelieving
believers in the Kingdom of God today. If a believer decides they do not want
to be married to their spouse any longer, obviously they are an unbelieving believer.
This scripture states that the believing spouse is not bound. What does
this mean? I believe it means that they are not bound to the covenant any longer. What if the unbelieving spouse repents and wants to come home? This can be tricky.
Have they really repented? Leaving a relationship is not the issue; however,
it is the result of the issue. The religious community would say that the remaining
spouse should forgive and take them back. With no repentance this could result
in the unbelieving spouse leaving again down the road. Having a spouse tell you
they do not love you anymore and want a divorce, I believe, is the most devastating thing that can happen next to losing a
child to death. The ripping of a covenant is so painful.
Divorce leaves many alone – God said it is not good for man to be alone.
This is another reason God doesn’t like divorce.
II Corinthians 6:14
Be not unequally yoked with unbelievers; for what fellowship
hath righteousness with unrighteousness? And what communion hath light with darkness?
It is apparent that this passage is talking about a believer yoking up with a nonbeliever. But the principle goes beyond that. Genesis 2:24 tells us to leave our families and cleave to each other and we will become one in marriage union. If you are unequally yoked with a nonbeliever you are not able to become one. You will live separate lives. There are many married couples
who are believers who are not wholly one but have been married for years and will probably make it to death do them part and
that is great….but I believe God’s best for us is to choose a mate that we can be wholly one with. It makes for a much better relationship with less to deal with as far as merging two lives into one.
Wholly One
Being wholly one is not just becoming one in the sexual union. Many
couples end up in divorce because they are not wholly one. The courtship process
is when becoming one starts. You must be one spiritually, intellectually, and
emotionally. It is in this courtship season of a relationship that you can see
if you are able to become one in these three areas. Many do not have sight of
this because they are distracted by strong chemistry. The sexual union is the grand finale, which of course comes after marriage. It is the final stage of becoming one. After
marriage you become wholly one. Any weapon formed against you cannot penetrate
this kind of covenant relationship. This kind of union is solid and will stand. When we marry someone not at the same level of spirituality there will be a gap, an
opening for the enemy to get in. If we are not on the same level intellectually
and emotionally it can be a struggle as well.
To be Spiritually One
This is when both are at the same level or close, spiritually or at least the one who is not as grown is continually
growing. Being spiritually one both will know how to walk by faith and not by
sight. They will both be able to hear from God, having a strong relationship
with Him.
To be Intellectually One
This is when both have similar mentalities; their minds have been renewed to the things of God. They may not have the same amount of education per say but they are able to relate to each other mentally.
They are able to carry an intelligent conversation. They understand what each
is talking about and have similar views.
To be Emotionally One
This is when a couple is able to relate to each other’s feelings; to have the ability to feel what the
other is feeling and understand or at least understand to some degree. Being
emotionally one is both being emotionally developed on the same level emotionally. When
both are spiritually governed this is also part of being one emotionally. If
one is emotionally governed and one is spiritually governed there will be much conflict.
In the case where men are making the decisions they tend to make them from a practical stand point – where women
tend to make decisions based on emotion. Because women are emotional beings,
the man may need to bring balance with his practicality to some of her decisions, but she would need to be mature enough to
understand this and accept his help. Her willingness to receive his help puts
her at the same level as him, because she desires to grow. Having common interest
would also fall under being emotionally one.
Common Interests
It is important to have common interests. Part of being married is doing things together. If you do not
have common interests you could end up living separate lives. You also need to be careful that you do not get out of
balance with this component. In all practicality you are not going to have all of the same interests but it would be in the
best interest of a relationship to have more common interests than not. This will insure that you are spending more of your free time together
than apart. A couple spends many hours throughout the day apart due to work schedules etc., so your free time should
be spent together to rebuild what may have fallen apart in the course of daily life. Granted we are going to need time
to ourselves on occasion and that is normal. Even though one-in-covenant you still have an individual relationship with
God and will need alone time with Him as well as to do some of those interests that you don’t have in common with your
spouse. Spending time together as a couple and having your alone time is important but needs to be balanced. In the
event you are a match in all areas except common interests you have two choices: 1. You can pass on the opportunity
for a relationship or 2. Let yourself love him/her so much that you will make their interests yours. When
you marry a man who has children, if you really love him, you will love his children as your own and vise versa.
It is much the same way with interest. If you love him/her, who has interest that you don't have, you will
love those interest as though they were your own. In making the decision to pass on a relationship or stay
in the relationship and adopt his/her interests as your own, ask yourself this question: "Would I rather be alone (not in
any relationship) or be with him/her, spending time doing the things he/she loves to do?" Personally I would adapt to
him in his interests because I would love him so much I just simply would love being with him.
To me what we do wouldn’t matter as much as being together. However
one of the common things women do in marriage is lose who they are. They conform
to his world and interests and slowly lose themselves - daily they lose layer after layer of who they are and what they are
on earth to do. As the woman conforms to the man in his interests so should he
conform to her in her interests as well. No one should be losing who they are
in a relationship - two come together and make one person. This is a new
person – the best of both make one whole person. The only thing that should
be lost is our own individual agendas. Life should no longer be about you
as an individual but about you as a new person….it’s almost like becoming a new creature in a sense, like becoming
born again. As Christians we are daily conforming to God’s image and His
word. Likewise as a married couple we are conforming into the image of a new
person together in Christ.
To be Physically One
This of course comes after marriage. In the courting process is
where you walk by faith concerning being physically one. No sampling before marriage
is allowed, (smile). I find that you can learn a lot about someone by spending
time with them and communicating. Sharing each others likes and dislikes in the
area of sexual expression is acceptable. This does not mean that you have this
discussion all in one setting. Over the course of time you can discretely share
these things, this can give you a feel of what that person is like intimately. There
is nothing wrong with two adults, with the potential of marriage, discussing this topic.
It will cut down on surprises, misunderstandings, and hurt feelings between the two.
If we are talking about singles who are virgins then this would not apply. Not
ever having sex they would not really know what they prefer, they will learn from each other.
Compromise
In
dating many times what takes place is a believer will compromise. They will tolerate
one little discrepancy thinking it will be okay. They do this because they don’t want to be alone. Much to their surprise they have major struggles down the road because of this little compromise and would
now prefer to be alone as to be married to this person. Keep in mind that if
you compromise you will not be compatible. In choosing a mate you must set your
standards high regarding being wholly-one and keep them high. God has a mate
for those who desire a mate. If you stand in faith and are patient, if you are
a man you will find a wife – if you are a woman your groom will find you, Proverbs
18:22 properly translated from the Hebrew says it is a good thing when a man finds
a wife.
Ephesians 5:31
For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother
and shall be joined to his wife and the two shall become one flesh. [Genesis 2:24]. (KJV)
Being wholly one is being, spiritually, intellectually, emotionally and then physically one.
Choosing a Mate
I have found that before choosing a mate for the first time or otherwise you must first know what your call
is - what you are on earth to do. If you don’t know what your ministry
is and you choose a mate most likely you will choose wrong and it will cause major struggles in marriage and ministry. Your mate must be able to fit into your ministry and vise versa. I have seen and heard of women who choose the wrong mate out of desperation to connect – I watched
how this effected their ministry and the degree of anointing that flowed through them was much less in power to change people
lives. When you have to deal with being unequally yoked, whether married to a non-believer or to someone you are not spiritually
one with, this will cause trouble in the flesh. Before you can effectively step
out and do what God has called you to do you would need your spouse’s agreement or blessing. Someone who is not one with you in the spirit may not be so willing to allow you to take that step of faith. Even if they do allow it, maybe just to please you, they will not be able to morally
support you, on the contrary they may work against you. In my experience he gave
me his blessing but because he was much weaker in his faith than me he worked against me – this affected my anointing
greatly. In a situation like this you have to direct that anointing to your spouse
to keep them walking on water, distracting you from your call. It is God’s
best for us to choose someone who is on the same level spiritually, then we can do what God has called us to do together. Choosing the right mate determines the degree of power that will flow through you
in ministry. Why is this? This is
because you are one or at least partly one through the sexual union and your anointing will be effected by your mate therefore
affecting your ministry. Being wholly one produces a passion for
each other. It is fire that burns – a deep desire for one another
produces Holy Ghost Fire which is life changing power. Have you ever watched
couple’s ice skating competition? I like watching the married couples
because most of the time they skate with such ease. They seem to anticipate each
other’s moves and flow well together. This is an indication that things
are good in the passion department – they have a healthy sex life. I
have watched minister couples team-teach. I can always tell those who have a
healthy sex life and those who don’t. Just because a couple doesn’t
flow doesn’t always mean there is a problem in the passion department but it is a good indication. I heard Miles Monroe say, “Your anointing comes from the bedroom.” I believe this to be true. I believe the fire between a couple
produces Holy Ghost fire – that’s why it is important to choose your mate according to your call so that you can
be wholly one which produces fire (sexual passion) between the couple – which produces Holy Ghost fire which changes
the lives of people they minister to. I
need to note here that chemistry is not the same thing as sexual passion. Chemistry
is sexual attraction. Chemistry tells you that there is great potential for sexual
passion. We need to understand that this anointing that comes from the bedroom is not instead of prayer, Bible study or intimate
time with God but in addition to your devotional life in God. There are
many who are single so this anointing power would be produced from your intimacy with God.
When married you will have very little fire produced from intimacy with God unless there is passion power between you
and your spouse which, again, comes from being wholly one. As well if you are
spending a lot of time with God but neglecting your mate, your anointing power will be limited in ministry. There are those who are reading this that know they are not wholly one with there spouses but truly love
the Lord and are called to ministry. In this situation you would continue to
grow in your faith continuing to pray for your spouse and follow the leading of the Holy Spirit as far as launching out into
ministry.
The Marriage Bed
The
marriage bed is the couple’s holy of holies, this place is just for them and the
Holy
Spirit. Many separate God from their sex life.
He shouldn’t be – He created sex for marriage. We should be
able to feel his presence during this time of sexual union. This is a sacred
place with no room for strife or wrath, Ephesians 4:26.
A couple should never go to bed with an unsettled issue, this opens the door for Satan to come into the couples holy of holies
bringing whatever he wants to inside. If there is an unsettled issue you need
to lay it aside as though it doesn’t exist and keep your holy of holies safe.
A couple should be able to always feel safe and secure in their holy of holies.
The holy of holies (the marriage bed) is a place of expression – expressing your deepest most complete feelings
for each other. When choosing the right mate based on being wholly one you will not be able to be ripped apart. This will
be a union that neither man nor demon can separate.
Let
me ask you a very personal question that you may choose to answer only to yourself.
Have you ever felt the presence of God during the height of climax? How
about to the point of praising God out loud…..or for you Pentecostals, have you ever spoken in tongues during this time? If not you should be. Listen husbands,
if I may speak plainly, your wife should be feeling the presence of God during this time otherwise you are not really taking
her to heaven (smile). If a husband can take his wife so far out of this world
that she begins to praise God this simply means she has touched heaven and he has ushered her right into God’s presence. This is true sexual expression.
I
would like to add here, that the expression “my better half” or your spouse being half of you is not correct. One half and one half, in the natural, equals one whole but in the spirit realm (which
marriage is) it takes one whole plus one whole to be one whole. If you are single
don’t look for your better half look for someone who is as whole as you are and you will live a life of being “Wholly
One.”
Choose
right and be whole.
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Soul Mate or Play Mate
In
our quest for happiness we must be sure that we don't settle for a Playmate when God has a Soul mate waiting for us. Sometimes
this is a hard distinction to make. Playmates are tricky. They are so much fun to be with that even the smartest of us will
be fooled into thinking this has to be our Soul mate. Worse yet too many of us attempt to make a Soul mate
out of a Playmate.
The
danger of this is that later, after years of playing we will meet our Soul mate, but it may be too late then. We may have
already made a Life mate of our Playmate and created life-long bonds (emotional, children,etc.) Or we may have been hurt from
playing so hard that we are in no shape ourselves to be anyone's anything. How can we distinguish between
the One, and
just another one?
First, we must be open with ourselves
about who we really are and what our soul yearns for. Only you and God know what is truly in your heart and mind. Only you
know what will make you truly happy and whole.
In order to find your Soul mate you have to know you, first. You must be willing to listen to that inner voice.
And is that voice telling you that the nerdy person you enjoy talking and sharing your thoughts with, could be he/she? What
about that friend who is always willing to go the extra mile for you when no one else will?
Oh no! He's too short or
too tall, balding or too hairy, or she is too fat or just not my type and on and on?
Just too ordinary looking for me! Then there's that girl/guy who makes you feel so special when you're around him/her, but she doesn't match that ideal you have conjured in your head. She's/he’s
too tall, not slender enough, not light or dark enough, not shapely enough, not attractive enough, and on and on. He/she just
couldn't be for me! So what if he doesn't look like Denzel Washington or she doesn’t look like Janet Jackson! He or
she, your soul mate, is going to treat you like the jewel that you are.
Not only that, his or her soul and yours will commune in ways you never imagined possible! In order to heed that voice,
we have to put on the back burner our own superficial thinking. Could it be that your inner desire is for a truly genuine
person with a good heart? If you enjoy playing, stay on the playground. There are plenty of Playmates out there
to occupy
your time. But don't spend too much time playing or you may play your life away. Eventually the playing loses it appeal and
your soul begins to crave a deeper, more meaningful connection. Your soul begins to crave your Soul mate.
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God’s
Best is
Sex Inside the Confines of Marriage
Reader beware, Pastor Darla speaks to singles and married couples in this
teaching. She is graphic in teaching these relationship principles.
Covenant Protects
The marriage covenant protects us from the attacks of Satan on our lives and ministries. It is protection against condemnation, depression and the sense of something being missing. The marriage covenant guards our emotions. (For those who
are single your covenant with God works as your protector). Sex outside of covenant does a number on our emotions. We may not even realize it at first but eventually if we continue to practice sex outside of the confines
of marriage we will begin to suffer from bouts of depression, not to mention the daily fight against condemnation, our faith
then gets weaker and weaker.
Having sex
without the foundation of the marriage covenant is like building a relationship on the sand.
When a woman
gives herself to a man she can never get that part of herself back and of course it is the same with a man. Every time you have sex with someone outside of marriage you are giving more and more of yourself to that
person. Or if you have sex with everyone you date you are giving yourself little
by little to all of those, depleting yourself, leaving you with very little to offer the right person when he or she does
come along. Most likely he/she won’t even notice you because you have nothing
for him/her. Think about it, here you are longing for your Mr. or Mrs.
Right but dating around and sleeping with those you date. The Spirit is not going
to draw your future spouse to you if you are not ready. You must be whole because
God is not going to allow your future spouse to connect with you if you are not where you should be. This is for their sake. The greatest gift you can give your
next spouse is the gift of celibacy. What a great gift for him/her to know that
you saved yourself for him/her. You kept yourself covered to be revealed only
by him/her after marriage. For him to know that no one else has seen what he
is seeing or experiencing, since you became single, will make him feel valued by you, to know that you thought of him before
you ever met him. What an awesome thing for him.
And of course it is the same for a man who saves himself for her. This
is love in its truest form. We need to love our future spouse enough to save
our self for them. If we can love them that much before ever meeting them, then
just think how awesome of a marriage relationship you will have with your spouse. Knowing
that you were faithful to him/her before you ever meet will prove your faithfulness.
Communicating the Heart of God:
The Almighty Penis
This section
deals with oral sex within marriage. It may be offensive to those who believe
oral sex is a sin. The Bible is silent on this issue, while many have their beliefs
about it being wrong this section is not dealing with whether it is right or wrong.
It is my intention to deal with idolatry.
Within the confines of marriage……
…..when
a woman performs oral sex one of the positions she does this from is on her knees. When
she kneels down before him she is expressing worth-ship. One of the Ten Commandments
is to have no other gods before Me. It doesn’t say to have no other gods. Our spouses are, in fact, gods in our life as well as our children and grandchildren
and other family members. We praise our children on many occasions for a job
well done. We express their worth to us by worth-ship or worship. The Greek word
for worship is worthshipe translated worth-ship meaning to express someone’s worth.
We lift them up which is expressing how much they are worth to us. When
a woman kneels down to perform oral sex on her husband she is expressing worth-ship or worship to him. Even within the confines of marriage the penis can become and idol to her.
If her husband leaves for a short time on a business trip etc. she may find herself desiring a man at work, church
or in the neighborhood. One man was telling me about his ex wife and why he divorced
her. His words: She couldn’t live without the penis. He did not use the word penis but for the sake of my sensitive readers I chose to use the proper name. There is nothing wrong with expressing worth-ship to our husbands in whatever form
of sex we chose, but when we come to a place where we can’t live without it, it is then we know it has become a god
that we have placed before Father God. If our husband for some reason is no longer
able to perform due to health issues resulting in erectile dysfunction and we find our self desiring other men, for the sake
of sexual fulfillment, this could be a sign the penis has become a god before God in our life.
I know a woman who has not had sex with her husband for 7 years because of health issues causing erectile dysfunction. She misses the intimacy between them but loves him so much that she would rather have
him without sexual pleasure than another man who can perform well. Obviously
the penis or sex is not God in her life. Women, if you can’t function in
life without sex then most likely it has become a god before God. Whatever you
can’t live without is a god before God. He is THEE GOD that you can’t live without.
The Almighty Vagina
When a man
performs oral sex on his wife one of the positions he does this from is laying prostrate.
Like the woman makes the almighty penis her god, so can a man make the almighty vagina his god. Men, if you can’t live without the vagina then you have made it your god. You’re committing fornication and adultery against God. This
brings sin into the marriage bed.
Interesting
enough the word fornication comes from the Greek word porniah where we get our English word pornographic. It is translated, whoremonger, adultery, harlot, incest, idolatry, unlawful lust of either sex, whore,
to sell, male prostitute, anal, and fornicator.
The Webster’s
definition of fornication is premarital sex, sexual intercourse between an unmarried man and an unmarried woman. I don’t see it listed in the original Greek in which the New Testament is written. It appears that fornication means all sexual sin….but premarital sex is not listed among these.
According to the Zondervan Pictorial Bible Dictionary the word prostitute means harlot or whore,
to perform sex acts in heathen worship. The word whore means a woman who habitually
commits adultery or fornication especially for hire, a prostitute a harlot. It
is note worthy that in a very large proportion of cases the word is used for idolatry.
The two words idolatry and adultery can be identically defined as taking the love which belongs to one and giving it
to another.
I know what
you are thinking, “Wow premarital sex is not a sin!!!!!!!” Not so
fast ya’all notice homosexuality is not included among these either – but we know that homosexuality is a sin
according to the Mosaic Law, and Romans chapter one along with God’s instruction to Adam…..to leave his father
and mother and cleave to his wife. Notice that listed among sexual sins is “anal”
inferring anal sex is included. This does not mean homosexuality because two
women cannot perform anal sex. Therefore, homosexuality is idolatry which is
included in the list of sexual sins of fornication. So where then does it say
sex before marriage is wrong? As we read many Old Testament accounts of the life
of David, Solomon, Abraham, Samson, and many others we can see the many relational problems they had, not to mention how it
effected their anointing (ability to do) because they did not practice restraint
in this area. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to see that if you do
what they did you will get the same results and they did. While pre-marital sex
may not send you to hell it can cause hell for you here on earth. Galatians 5:23 includes temperance as a fruit of the Spirit.
Temperance means self control, life of discipline, exercising restraint.
I Corinthians 6:18
Flee fornication.
Every sin that a man doeth is without the body, but he that committeth fornication sinneth against his own body.
Paul really couldn’t
make it any plainer here. He uses the word fornication which again does not list
homosexuality, premarital sex, oral sex, or masturbation. Again we know that
homosexuality is a sin….but the other three are not specifically listed. Idolatry
and adultery are listed in the sins of fornication which implies that homosexuality is a sin because practicing such acts
is against God’s word therefore putting it before God.
The Marriage Bed
Hebrews 13:4
Marriage is honorable in all, and the bed undefiled,
but the whoremongers and the adulterers God will judge.
We can see
that marriage is honorable. A minister that pronounces you man and wife, signs
the marriage license with witnesses. Without that license the relationship is
not a marriage therefore it is not honored as one. In our country this is the
law….if we want our committed relationship to be honored as a marriage we must abide by the law. As following the law our family and friends also honor it as a marriage.
Marriage is defined differently in different cultures. In several countries
in Africa marriage starts when a couple begins to co-habit with each other, it is honored as a marriage. This scripture goes on to say and the bed undefiled. It is
talking about the marriage bed being without sin, is honored. Sins in the marriage
bed are idolatry and adultery. Worshiping the almighty penis and vagina as well
as cheating on your spouse outside of the marriage bed. When a spouse is cheating
they bring the person they are cheating with to the marriage bed. In my experience
of my ex cheating I felt her presence in our bed during a time of intimacy. I
did not know he was cheating but during love making I sensed a presence – it was not the Holy Spirit. I didn’t understand it at the time. Another way to commit adultery/idolatry is thinking of
someone else while you are making love to your spouse.
Sexual Pleasure
or Expression
The marriage
bed is the holy of holies of a couple. This is where they engage in intercourse. It is the deepest expression there is. It
is expressing your deepest feelings for one another. Think about the Holy of
Holies prayers you pray. When in the Holy of Holies you are expressing your deepest
feelings of worship to God. As a couple think about your holy of holies talk
between each other. What comes out of your mouth will indicate if you are experiencing
sexual pleasure or sexual expression. In other words using words like f_ _ _
. Or telling your partner to f_ _ _ you. This is an indication of sexual pleasure. I am not suggesting that this is wrong but many couples lose the expression for the
pleasure.
The Bible
is very clear on the origin of music…why it was created. It was not created
for an evangelistic tool. There isn’t any place in the Bible where we will
find music used for evangelism. It was created for the sole purpose of worship
to God. However, it is not a sin to do so but for a long time the church used
it more for evangelism and to express one’s gift rather than to worship God. This is when it becomes a sin. It is the same principle in the marriage bed – sexual pleasure is certainly not wrong but if you
lose the expression then you are using it for something other than what it was created for.
Using expressive words that express worship to one another is expression and that is the sole purpose of intercourse
and then of course this produces life. Not only does this produce the natural
life of another human being but also life to the marriage. If all you are doing
is engaging in sexual pleasure it won’t be long before the marriage breaks down.
While you can bond to your partner with both, pleasure goes only soul deep while expression is Spirit deep. For pleasure only, is like building your house upon the sand. Expression
is more of a solid foundation in which to build the house of covenant. I believe
that God’s best for us is a good balance between the two. During intimacy
one is giving and the other receiving. The one giving should be expressing while
the receiver experiencing great pleasure. I believe this is a good balance.
How can one
tell if they are just having sex or really making love? When it is about the
other person that is true love making. A pleaser is not necessarily a lover. Again, a lover is someone who expresses; a pleaser is someone who aims to please for
their own glory. Many times women will become emotional, after love making, to
the point of tears. This is not always an indication of her feeling like she
was just made love to, but it can be. True love making always includes the presence
of the Holy Spirit. He is supposed to be a part of the marriage bed. This is what really makes it the couple’s holy of holies. During
love making, at the height of climax you should be touching heaven. An indication
that you are, is when you feel the presence of God in such a way that you even begin to worship Him. Those of the Pentecostal persuasion have been known to speak in tongues during this time. To the guys who think they are mega studs let me give you a word of advice; you are not a stud until you
can make such deep love to your wife, bringing her so much pleasure that she touches heaven, indicated by her worship to God
while you are making love to her. I believe this is love making in its purest
form.
The Effects of Sex Before Marriage
When you
have sex with a non-Christian you are having intercourse with the world. This
of course will affect you in a negative way. It will influence you toward the
dark side.
Having sex
outside of marriage with a Christian who you know you will not marry can mess you up in your emotions as well as having sex
with your Christian mate before marriage.
Sex before marriage is dangerous. When you cross over onto the sexual
side it messes up your emotions. Women are emotional to begin with but when we
cross over to the sexual side outside of marriage it really messes us up. We
bond stronger than the man. This will cause both parties to compromise on things
otherwise they would not. This can cause and emotional high for the two to the
point of not being able to make sound decisions. They may choose to marry when
they are not right for one another because of the bond that sexual intimacy brings.
Sexual intimacy takes you on an emotional high; it’s great until you land.
What goes up must come down and the landing is not worth it. Sexual intimacy
can cause you to become dependant on your partner which is not supposed to happen until after marriage. Dependency is part of the marriage covenant. If there is a
break up before marriage it hurts, you feel like you want to die. It’s
like a drug; that is why divorce is so painful because of the oneness physically. Sex
belongs in the confines of marriage this allows the Holy Spirit to be part of it. We
need His blessing in all that we do.
This is also one of the reasons I have made the decision to maintain my celibacy until after marriage. I want a sound mind when choosing a mate. When someone is
in your life on a regular basis and you are engaging in sexual intimacy you are off of the mark, which is your faith, so far
that you will think you are hearing God say one thing when He is saying another. When
you are off the mark everything you do will be off of the mark. When you are
off of the mark God cannot get to you what He has for you and that is the mate that is right for you. I encourage you to save sex for marriage.
You
are going to suffer either way. You will suffer from the resistance of the strong
desire to express yourself sexually which will set the law of the Spirit of Life in Christ Jesus in operation or from the
effects of sexual intimacy outside of marriage which will set the law of sin and death in operation in your life, Romans 8:2.
Choose Your Suffering
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